Rainbow’s a no-no

THE Scottish weather continues to be colourful. Unfortunately it’s the wrong sort of colours.

Instead of the bright and cheery tints of the rainbow, there’s black ice, grey skies and yellow snow warnings.

And everyone is thoroughly browned off about the situation.

The only people enjoying themselves are curling teams training for the next Winter Olympics, who have saved themselves the cost of hiring out the local rink, and instead are using the pavement to improve their play.

If you want to cheer yourself up, we suggest dodging the driech and dismal days of January by hunkering down at home with your Herald, and perusing some truly colourful tales from the Diary archives.

And - lucky you - there’s not a black, grey, yellow or brown amongst ‘em…

 

Sticky situation

WHEN Hillary Clinton was tipped to be the next American President she proved a divisive figure.

A Diary reader based in the States told us at the time: “There’s a new bumper sticker over here you can buy for your car. It says ‘Run Hillary, run!’

“Democrats put it on the rear bumper and Republicans put it on the front bumper.”

 

Storing up information

A PHILOSOPHICAL reader once noted: “If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve see a mall.”

 

Cockamamie cuisine

A READER was once in a chip shop next door to the old Apollo in Glasgow, standing beside the legendary jazz guitarist John McLaughlin, who was appearing that evening.

John was leaning over the counter and saying to a member of staff slowly and incredulously: “You FRY the pizza?”

 

Brought to book

TEXAN singer-songwriter Steve Earle once appeared at the Kelvingrove Bandstand in Glasgow, which reminded us of a conversation he had with his mentor and friend, the late Townes Van Zandt, who gave him a copy of War and Peace to read.

Earle dutifully studied the tome.

When he returned it to Van Zandt, he asked him when he had read it.

Van Zandt replied: “Hell, I haven’t read it. I just thought that you should.”

 

Java palaver

COMEDIAN Al Murray has always been fond of the west of Scotland, and once told his fans: “Glasgow: where I saw a junkie throw hot coffee in another’s face while American tourists looked on.”

 

Tesco triumph

THE Guinness Book of Records has its own social media account and someone sent it a message which stated: “I’ve just seen someone completely smash the world record for dithering around in a black Vauxhall Corsa in a Tesco car park.”

 

Tale of a tub

A READER told us that his grandfather called himself Spiderman, then added: “He doesn’t have any super powers. He just can’t get himself out of the bath.”