Judge-mental
RETIRED Glasgow lawyer Edward Travers was once in court, sitting beside a very sweaty, disgruntled and entirely dubious-looking client.
At one point during the trial this dodgy chap started glaring at the eminent personage conducting proceedings, before hissing to Edward: “It’s no’ fair. Just look in that guy’s eyes. He’s pure judgin’ me.” Edward pondered this curious accusation for a while, then whispered back: “You could be right. Possibly because he’s a judge.”
Blake’s bruv
FASHION corner. The American superstar warbler, Taylor Swift, was recently spotted swanking round Brooklyn with her pal, the actress Blake Lively, while wearing a £58 mini dress from a Scottish fashion house.
Stevie Campbell from Hamilton grudgingly concedes that he isn’t a close confidant of either lady, though he boastfully adds: “My claim to fame is that Blake’s lesser known young brother, Luke, is my very own personal trainer.”
Nutty situation
A DELIGHTED Ken McLean from Bridge of Allan gets in touch to tell us: “I visited my local garden centre recently and I got a real bargain. I bought a bird feeder for peanuts.”
Hubby harrumphs
A WORTHY of Bishopbriggs gets in touch to tell us a tragic tale of marital disharmony.
“A group of us were discussing our spouses,” says this chap, “and airing our little grievances, though well out of earshot of those being forensically analysed.
“One of our group came out with a weary complaint that, even after more than forty years together, his wife still could not make a decent cup of coffee. This prompted an immediate response from one of the more quick-witted husbands in the group, who said: ‘I think you’ve got grounds for divorce, right there.’”
Biology for beginners
ON a Glasgow train the other day, reader Calvin Dawson spotted a poster on one of the carriage walls, which read: ‘Think… move… breath!’
A confused Calvin says to the Diary: “Surely that can’t be right. Wouldn’t it be best to start with the bit about breathing? Otherwise there mighty be problems...”
Clapped-out England
THE Diary’s Media Correspondent, David Donaldson, notes that an English newspaper has helpfully published an interactive map of gonorrhoea infections, allowing readers to check how bad things are in their area.
Adds David: “Older readers (the ones who still think STD stands for Subscriber Trunk Dialling) will recognise this as simply an updated version of the Clap-o-meter.”
Brought to book
BIBLIOPHILE Bruce Johnson gets in touch to say: “I bought a book recently called Overcoming Kleptomania.
Well, I say bought...”
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