Monkey business

THE Diary previously believed that a "drone" is the term used to describe those tedious chaps who it’s best to avoid in the pub, such as the elderly fellow who lurks at the end of the bar in our local hostelry, and is always boasting that he fought in the war.

“Which war?” we ask him.

“You name it, I fought in it,” he smirks, smugly.

“Word War II?” we venture.

“Won it single-handedly.”

“Waterloo?”

“Wellington’s right-hand man.”

“Bannockburn?”

“Robert the Who? It was me in charge of the fighting…”

And so on.

The Diary has now discovered that a drone is also a winged gizmo that is exceedingly handy for tracking Japanese macaque monkeys roaming the countryside.

One such device was used to try and locate the sneaky simian who decided to ramble scot-free in Scotia.

This inspires reader Robert Menzies to say: “Is that monkey still on the loose? I'm convinced it’s hiding in a tree. The question is which tree? That's the real monkey puzzle...”

 

Rocky romance

IN his teenage years Alan Blair was thrilled to be invited to a female school chum’s house to revise for exams.

He hoped this would lead to a smooching session on the living room couch.

All was going well, and the girl even decided to play one of her favourite albums.

Unfortunately it turned out to be an AC/DC LP involving lots of screeching lyrics and squawking guitars, undermining the intimate ambience of the occasion.

“This is my favourite!” trilled the girl.

“Oh. Um. Okay,” shrugged Alan.

The girl was not amused by this treacherous lack of enthusiasm.

“You’re not even bobbing your head,” she growled. “Does music mean nothing to you?”

 

Egg-cellent meal

HEALTH-CONSCIOUS Jennifer Webster asked a pal how she was getting on with her diet.

“I had eggs for breakfast,” replied the pal.

“Scrambled?” asked Jennifer.

“No,” said the pal. “Cadbury’s.”

 

Loopy lingo

A CONFUSED student informed English teacher Don Travers that she’d read a passage in a novel where a character dismissed his previous bad behaviour by saying it was merely a “youthful peccadillo”.

The student said to Don: “I don’t get it. Isn’t a peccadillo a kind of flute?”

 

Boozy booky behaviour

LITERATURE continued.

“I’ve decided to mix my love of reading and drinking,” says Alex Byrne. “Tonight I’ll be enjoying an F Scotch Fitzgerald.”

Get the legendary Herald Diary straight to your inbox.


Indescribably sad

“UNFORTUNATELY the Scottish Simile Champion has died,” reports reader Barry Jones. “We shall not see his like again.”