Perfectly polished pooches

A CLEAN tale from reader Bill Smillie, who tells us he was strolling in Glasgow when he came across a laundromat in the west end of the city which also has machinery for washing pet dogs.

“Unfortunately,” says Bill, “I struggled to find the pause button.”


Weepy ways

SCOTLAND’S favourite pugilistic patriot, Robert the Bruce, was famous for stating: “If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again.”

Bill Thompson from Lenzie believes that a more recent hero of the nationalist cause probably has a slightly different motto.

He assumes that Nicola the Sturgeon would say: “If at first you're not believed, cry, cry, cry again.”


Radio daze

POLITICS continued.

Reader Tom Fenn was listening to the morning news on the radio and mentioned to his wife that a bunch of Tories were attempting to rebrand their party, and were labelling themselves the Popcons.

His wife - reading a book, and not entirely focused on hubby’s words - answered: “Really? Are they sweet or salty?”


Madcap moniker

THE son of reader Dawn Curran is studying Physical Education, and had to write an essay about a foreign sport, so chose American football.

Researching the topic, he discovered the first professional to play the game was a chap named Pudge Heffelfinger.

“I can’t mention it in my essay,” sighed Dawn’s son. “My tutor will think I’m making it up and fail me.”


Raising the roof

THE extreme meteorological conditions that Scotland is enduring has inspired our readers to devise book titles reflecting the circumstances.

John Mulholland says: “Storms Isha and Jocelyn brought 80 mile per hour gales to the Outer Hebrides, causing significant damage to my house, with about 50 slates ripped off by the extremely strong gusts.

“So an apt book title for this unfortunate event would be Roof Gone With The Wind.”


Bar-room badinage

A TALE of serving staff attempting to be humorous reminds Hugh Walsh from Dalry of the time he went for a pint, along with his pet labrador, Ruby.

Ruby's customary behaviour at such times is to plonk her front paws on the bar, intimating that she wants to be fed a biscuit.

On this occasion the barman said to Hugh: "Yes?"

"A pint of lager," said Hugh.

“And what about the wife?” said the snarky serving fella.

 "Just get the lager," muttered Hugh, with a world-weary sigh.

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Nasty naming

WE bring you tragic news. Reader Sharon Burston informs us that the inventor of childish retorts died yesterday. She adds: “RIP Ewan Whosarmy.”