Money, money, money

A DIARY yarn about schooldays reminds Lesley McAlpine of her 36-year career teaching drama in Glasgow secondaries. 

“Why are you a drama teacher and not an actor?” she was often asked.

Her answer was always the same: “Because I like getting paid every month.”

This was usually accepted, though on one memorable occasion it prompted a follow-up query: “Do you only get paid once a month, miss?”

Lesley confirmed that this, indeed, was the case.

Prompting a genuinely concerned student to ask: “But what do you do the other three weeks?” 


Numpty naming

WE mentioned an American footballer who, curiously enough, was called Pudge Heffelfinger.

Roy Ferry from Falkirk says: “The USA seems to encourage such numskull naming of people. I remember there was a successful Wisconsin racing car driver who competed in the 1960s and 70s who went by the name of Dick Trickle.”


Bird-brained bafflement

A CONFUSED resident of Bishopbriggs gets in touch to ask: “Is a skean dhu a pigeon that prefers to winter in Aviemore?”


MacLean getaway

THE extreme meteorological conditions that Scotland is enduring has inspired our readers to devise book titles reflecting the savage circumstances.

David Donaldson says: “A relative from Manchester who was staying with us en route to visit an old friend in Rothesay ended up stuck in Wemyss Bay due to the violent winds recently. Indeed, one could say that there was a Force Ten From Zavaroni.”



AND while we’re on the subject of those woeful wintry winds…

Bryce Drummond from Kilmarnock says the recent storms remind him of the severe gales of the mid-fifties.

“One Bathgate chap had put his new car in his wooden garage,” recalls Bryce. “Then he noticed that the garage was lifting an inch or so, then dropping back due to wind pressures.

“This went on all evening, so he moved his car outside for safety.

“The next morning the garage had remained in place, which was a plus.

“On the negative side, his neighbour’s chimney had blown over on to his car.”


The bends

ASTUTE Peter Wright from West Kilbride has engaged an Energy Efficiency Consultant.

So far Peter has learned two valuable things…

1) Kick things together with your feet before bending down.

2) Check if there is anything else you can do while you're down there.

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Parental price paid

“MY mum and dad made a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education,” says grateful reader Alan Shaw. “They were both druids.”