Boom goes bust

GLASGOW’S very own version of Taylor Swift, Lulu, has announced that her tour this year is her last.

At 75 years old she’s decided that schlepping round the country to stand in front of a microphone and sing Boom Bang-a-Bang is just too exhausting.

Perhaps Lulu’s worried that one day she’ll take to the stage so completely knackered that she’ll sing Bang Boom-a-Boom, instead.

And that would never do, because unlike the sophisticated lyrics of the genuine version, it makes hardly any sense at all.

The puggled pop star may be so pooped that she’ll only have enough energy to sing "Whisper" rather than "Shout".

Thankfully the Diary staff never consider retiring.

That’s because the thoughtful Diary Editor only pays each of his minions one groat a month, meaning it’s impossible to save for an adequate pension.

Of course, none of us would ever quit, even under more prosperous circumstances, because we adore collecting amusing stories from our contributors, such as the following classic tales from our archives…


Browned off

A BUSINESSMAN told us of an associate who was flying from Amsterdam to Glasgow for a meeting, only for the airline to lose his luggage.

He was given a modest sum by the airline  so that he could buy a replacement suit, but when he visited a Glasgow menswear shop and explained how much he had, the Glasgow assistant told him: “I couldn’t cover you in brown paper for that money.”


Juiced jet-set

FLYING from Edinburgh to Norwich, a Diary reader declined the stewardess’s offer of a drink.

Later he changed his mind and stopped her as she was passing, and said he’d have a lager.

She immediately handed him the one she was carrying, and said: “Have this one. I’ll get another for the pilot.”


Going underground

HUMOUR on the London Tube, where a reader was down in the Big Smoke on business, and using the famous train service at a busy time of day.

He heard a member of staff shouting: “Keep left!”

Immediately a young chap yelled back: “Who’s Keep?”


Betting on romance

A READER told us that his wife once said: “If you won the lottery would you still love me?”

“Of course I would, darling,” he responded. “And occasionally I’d even miss you.”


Family (mis)fortunes

THERE was a Paisley pub that catered numerous funeral teas.

These events were noted in the establishment’s diary under the heading "Purvey/Funeral".

A new barmaid was leafing through this diary when she opined that it was an awful shame that the Purvey family had lost so many of its members…


Weepy woes

“MY wallet is like an onion,” a reader once explained. “When I open it, it makes me cry.”