Phone-y film

AMERICAN actress and pop star Jennifer Lopez has released a self-financed movie on Amazon Prime which is about a subject close to her heart… herself.

The film is called: Me, Me, Me and More Me.

Oops, sorry. Its actual title is: This Is Me... Now: A Love Story, which sounds just a teeny bit less narcissistic.

The Diary shouldn’t mock Jennifer, who spent £16 million making this documentary about her romance with fellow movie icon Ben Affleck.

The ugly truth is that we’re jealous of this late Valentine’s Day gift she’s given herself.

We once attempted to release an epic documentary about the running of the Diary office, though we failed to raise enough capital, so couldn’t hire any fancy camera equipment.

We didn’t even have enough dosh to buy a clapped-out clapperboard down the Barras.

With no other options, we were forced to make our movie as cheaply as possible, by filming it on a phone.

Unfortunately this ambitious attempt at cinéma verité ended badly.

That’s because the only phone in our office is a dusty landline from 1977, and it transpires that pointing a Bakelite receiver at a bunch of journalists doesn’t result in thrilling footage.

We’ll probably never be able to produce This Is the Diary… A Love Story.

Though we do know how to spin thrilling yarns on newsprint, such as the following classic tales from our archives…


Relatively confused

YEARS ago a Diary reader was in Edinburgh’s Waverley Station and overheard a traveller tell a companion: “Did you know my granny’s died?”

“No, I’m sorry to hear that. How old was she?” replied his concerned friend.

“No. Magranny, the Lockerbie bombing guy.”


Small fortune

A COLLEAGUE told us: “I saw a sign in a shop window, ‘Mosquito nets £10’, and I thought, ‘I didn’t know mosquitoes could play the lottery.’”


Film fun

THE National Library of Scotland once promoted an exhibition titled Scotland at the Cinema by asking for famous film quotations as if they had been delivered in Scotland.

One person suggested: “I love the smell of scones in the Morningside.”


Wheely impressive

SATIRIST Rory Bremner once appeared at the Glasgow Comedy Festival at the same time the city sported an impressive Ferris wheel.

“You’re like Vienna with Greggs,” said Rory.


Pleasure by proxy

PERFORMER Damsel Sophie brought her one-woman comedy cabaret ‘Hot’ to the Edinburgh Fringe one year.

She concluded that Edinburgh audiences can be a bit restrained in their praise.

After one show an audience member said to her: “Thanks for that. My friend really enjoyed it.”


Bumpy relationship

“I WENT out with a girl called Julie Everest once,” said a reader. “Took me ages to get over her.”