Dead… then deadly

A GENETIC engineering company has claimed it will soon be able to bring back to life that unfortunate avian creature, the dodo, which was hunted out of existence by a vicious species of mammal known to scientists as homo sapiens.

But do we actually want the dodo’s return?

It was famously a rather amiable creature, first time around, though perhaps it will be eager for vengeance upon its return.

Like Iago, Othello’s nemesis (though with more feathers and a prominent beak), it will concoct diabolical schemes, in the hope of eventually bumping off the smug humans.

Worse still, the oft-repeated phrase "as dead as a dodo" will no longer make sense.

Reader Michael Fellows suggests changing the line to: “As dead as a Tory politician’s career, the day after the next election”.


Hot stuff

GLASGOW Film Festival starts later this month, and to recognise this momentous event our creative readers are rewriting famous movie quotations as though they’d been delivered in Scotland.

Bob Jamieson says: “Perhaps Nicola Sturgeon, at the last parliamentary hearing she attended, could have uttered the final words from Some Like it Hot… ‘Well, nobody's perfect’.''


Love Ltd

“AN optimist is a wife who goes to the marriage bureau to see if her licence has expired,” says reader Debbie Rogers.


The fool Monty

THE husband of reader Claire Wilson enjoys pottering around in the back garden, though he doesn’t describe his hobby in such mundane terms.

He firmly believes he’s one of the gardening greats; a green-fingered gent who should be held in the same high esteem as Capability Brown, Monty Don and those hotshots of horticulture presiding over the Beechgrove Garden.

Unfortunately the garden that Claire’s husband tends has never flourished, and always looks muddy and drab, which could lead a reasonable observer to conclude that he’s more of an Incapability Brown.

He stoutly rejects this accusation, and said the other day: “I’m an excellent gardener. The plants just aren’t trying hard enough.”


Loopy lingo

SOME of our grammatically lax correspondents seem to believe that apostrophes are ugly little smudges of ink that should be avoided at all costs.

Thankfully our more linguistically robust readers disagree, and cleave heroically to the sturdy standards of yore.

One such person is Rob Cameron from Cumbernauld, who points out: “Man’s laughter is a wonderful thing, but manslaughter is slightly less wonderful.”

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Present imperfect

SUITABLY chastened reader Janet Kane says: “I recently discovered that a DNA testing kit is not an appropriate baby shower gift."