Man mountain

THIS column is always impressed by people with distinctive and colourful nicknames, as is reader John Keeper, who was delighted when a friend recently told him about a work colleague whose nickname is Avalanche.

Explains John: “Whenever asked about his workload, this bloke invariably replies: ‘snowed under’.”


Hat’ll do nicely

THE Diary is fondly reminiscing about the memorable aeroplane jaunts taken by our readers.

Retired Scottish Labour MP Sir Brian Donohoe tells us he was once on a plane back to the auld country following a Scotland-England footy match, where one charitable chap was strolling round the cabin holding out a hat and drumming up a collection for “the driver”. (Also known in more rarefied circles as the pilot.)


Modern romance

VISITING his local boozer the other day, reader Chris Robertson overheard a gaggle of gals giggling and gossiping.

One of them bragged that she was now in a relationship with a fellow who happened to be in possession of both a Rolex watch and a hot tub.

“Is he fit?” inquired one of her friends.

The boastful girl replied: “Are you no listenin’? He has a Rolex and a hot tub. He doesn’t need to be fit.”


Diabolical din-dins

GLASGOW Film Festival starts tomorrow, which has inspired our creative correspondents to rewrite famous movie quotations as though they’d been delivered in Scotland.

John Mulholland suggests that in the scary 1990s thriller The Silence of the Lambs, that naughty nibbler Hannibal  the cannibal  Lecter, would have hissed the line: "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver wi’ some HP beans and a nice Buckfast.”


Icky licky

HAVING studied the mysterious behaviour of certain members of the animal kingdom, reader Steven Gray points out that: “Cats are almost always covered in their own saliva.”


Float your boat?

BACK in the 1990s reader Jean Doherty worked as a school career adviser in Glasgow’s East End.

A young fellow once visited her office, and Jean suggested that he might like to show his bravery and patriotism by signing up with the Royal Navy.

The young fellow was intrigued by this possibility, though not entirely convinced, so he asked: “Dae ye ever get tae dock in Ibiza? Cos that’d be mint. Otherwise, I cannae be bothered.”

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You’re so vein…

AN exclusive medical story from reader Bob Wark, who gets in touch to say: “Believe it or not, you can actually hear the blood flowing in your veins. You just have to listen varicosely.”