Rhyme time

TECHNOLOGY is evolving at a dizzying pace and the Diary staff will probably soon be replaced by robots who will be just as adept as their human counterparts at twiddling their thumbs, gazing out the window and pulling a sicky.

Understandably fearful for our jobs, we’ve decided to discover how good this artificial intelligence malarky really is.

ChatGPT is an internet programme that composes poetry in seconds, so we asked it to write an updated version of "Mary had a little lamb" in the style of Scottish rockers The Proclaimers.

This is what it gave us… 


Oh Mary had a little lamb

With a spirit that could not be tamed

Through the streets and country lanes

They’d march on, never ashamed.


No matter what the others say

Mary and her lamb would sway

With every step, with every cheer

They’d conquer all, without fear.


Kid’s stuff

JUST about everyone around the world has heard about the Willy Wonka event in Glasgow where parents paid £35 so their youngsters could visit a near-empty warehouse with a solitary Oompa-Loompa, a tiny bouncy castle and not much else.

Reader Brian Oakes wonders what new magical experiences could be cobbled together to be enjoyed by lucky Glesga kiddies.

He suggests a draughty room containing nothing but a second-hand IKEA wardrobe, and hanging on the wardrobe’s doorknob a sign reading: "Due to health and safety concerns we can’t provide a lion or a witch. But one out of three ain’t bad."


Argy-bargy antics

WAITING at a bus stop, reader Doug Henderson overheard a couple arguing.

At one point the woman snarled at the man: “You better shut up when you talk to me.”

Says Doug: “The poor chap looked baffled, perhaps realising that’s a tricky feat to accomplish.”


Protective clothing

THE inquisitive nine-year-old son of reader Claire Harvey asked: “When the bulletproof vest was invented, how did they persuade someone to test it?”


Bliss with Bogie

GLASGOW Film Festival is only slightly less important than the Oscars in the movie-making calendar.

The momentous event, now running, has inspired our correspondents to rewrite famous quotations from the silver screen as though they’d been delivered in Scotland.

Nicola Hendry suggests a scene from Casablanca, with Humphrey Bogart saying to Ingrid Bergman in his trademark gruff romantic whisper: “We’ll always have… Pumpherston.”

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Hard to swallow

WELL-TRAVELLED Michelle Browne says: “My favourite German cities are Frankfurt, Hamburg and Cheeseburg.”