Going for gold

THE Oscars ceremony and Mother’s Day are both tomorrow. 

Perhaps we should combine the two illustrious events and celebrate the Maw-scars, or maybe even the Ma-cademy Awards.

The Diary is particularly intrigued to discover who will win all those wee gold fellas in Hollywood, because Poor Things, the movie based on a novel by the late Glasgow author Alasdair Gray, is in the running.

If you’re desperately struggling to choose a last-minute gift for your dear old mum, why not take her to a Poor Things screening?

Remember, though, to persuade her to wear earmuffs and a blindfold before she takes her seat, because it’s a very naughty movie, much saltier than those extra-large buckets of popcorn being sold in the foyer.

Maybe a better idea for a gift would be to present Mum with this very edition of The Herald, so she can delight in today’s dose of delicious Diary dramas.

She’s probably already bought her own Herald, though you can never have enough copies of this newspaper. Mum can read her own edition, while ensuring the spare is kept for sentimental reasons in a secure bank vault, to be gazed at lovingly many years hence.

On the subject of love, we’re sure you (and Mum) will adore the following classic tales from our archives…


Footy faux pas

WEIRD pronunciations of Scottish football teams by English broadcasters are unfortunately not rare.

A reader in Ardrossan recalled a radio announcer who seemed to think that Dundee United had moved their park to the more exotic location of "Tannadeetchie".


Seeing red

MORE footy fun.

In his book on Scottish referees, Should’ve Gone Tae Specsavers, Ref!, author Allan Morrison tells of a St Mirren striker being sent off, who asked the referee: “What for?”

“The rest of the match,” replied the man in black.


Old and doddery

MANY years ago the ceiling collapsed at London’s Apollo Theatre. It was reported that it was caused by "weak and old material being used’"

“Was Ken Dodd on stage?” asked one of our readers.


Water relief

A HORROR story. A reader watched as a young chap on Byres Road gingerly touched his hair before telling his pal: “Is there a more tense moment than the one after a drop falls on your head, and before you’ve checked it’s water?”


Ice & vice

A READER told pals that he used to play curling but had to give it up on religious grounds, for as the Bible says: “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”


Mum’s the word

A CURIOUS reader once asked: “If you give someone a late Mother’s Day present, does that make it a past?”