Chippy chappy

FEELING a tad peckish, reader Ralph Austin bought a box of Marks & Spencer triple cooked chips.

“When I arrived home,” says Ralph, “I heated them again, which involved bunging them in the oven once more. By my count, that’s four times in total.”

Adds Ralph: “Call me oversensitive, but I feel like I’m picking on those chips.”

Rhyme time, continued

HAD enough verse yet, folks? Tough.

Cos we’re gonna bombard you with a further dose.

Diary correspondent David Donaldson was perusing Scottish social media and came across a chap who was fondly recalling playground rhymes from his youth, one of which was the dromedary-based ditty below…

The camels are coming, so help ma boab,

They’re all coming doon the Glasgow Road,

I lifted my eye tae see, tae see

And a camel came up and peed on me.


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A bug’s life

GLOBAL warming has been in the news this week, notes Ian Noble from Carstairs Village.

“For those who doubt its veracity,” adds Ian, “they should be aware that a mosquito was spotted in Lesmahagow last summer. Proof, if proof be needed.”

(The Diary’s crack team of investigative reporters has not yet been able to find and interview the mosquito in question, so we cannot verify this story, but will keep our faithful readers posted…)

Vegetative state

BIOLOGICALLY curious reader David Ritchie notes that humans are 70% made out of water.

“Does this mean,” ponders David, “that we’re really just cucumbers with anxiety?”

The sharp end

A DIARY yarn about football reminds Gordon Fisher from Stewarton of Scottish referee, Tommy Marshall, who was once in charge of a Hibs game when team captain, Pat Stanton, stomped over, clutching three darts and growling that a spectator had chucked them at him.

"I wouldnae worry about it,” replied Tommy, “he's obviously not very good." 

The perplexed and somewhat aggrieved Hibs captain said: "What do you mean?"

To which the man in black said: " The size of that belly, and he missed?"

Fictional feast

NOTICING that our cultured readers are equal parts bibliophile and bon vivant, we’re combining those passions by devising edible books.

Christine Brooks suggests a tasty version of a Dickens classic… Steak House.

Half-baked decision

“I DON’T understand why people are moaning about shops selling easter stuff early,” says reader Scott Conway. “I visited the supermarket and they're already selling birthday cakes, and my birthday isn’t until December.”