Up, up… and away

A WORK colleague of Graeme Arnott from Stewarton was shocked to discover that his nine-year-old nephew had never climbed a tree.

Furthermore, the little chap hadn’t even attempted scaling one, and neither had any of his friends. “Worse still,” adds Graeme, “none of them even realised that trees are specially designed for boys to clamber upon and fall out of.”

Graeme’s colleague wondered what was the reason for such an unadventurous state of affairs - health and safety gone mad, perhaps?

Then it dawned on him. The blame clearly lay with climb-it change.

Mangled Mary

LIKE one of those blockbuster Terminator movies, the Diary is staging a vicious battle between Homo sapiens and the machines, as we decide who can write the most inspiring poetry, Artificial Intelligence or artful humans.

Comedy legend Andy Cameron suggests the following, in the style of a Primary 4 pupil… Mary had a little Lamb It’s tail was curly bent And everywhere that Mary goed The Lamb was sure to went.

Pescatarian publication

IT’S no secret that the Diary’s cultured readers are equal parts bibliophile and bon vivant. They’re now combining those passions by devising edible books.

David Donaldson suggests a fishy thriller by author Dan Brown… The Da Vinci Cod.

Cop that

LECTURER Rob Gouch used to teach an evening class in the rigours of the law.

One of his more contemplative pupils once said: “How come the polis always threaten to prosecute you to the full extent of the law. They never threaten you with half the extent of the law.”

Battered food

BACK in the violent years of the 1970s reader Tony McCabe used to frequent a chippy in the Maryhill district of Glasgow that was infamous for its fierce Friday night clientele who would scuffle and scrap while they queued for scoff.

So rumbunctious was this rabble that the fast food joint was fondly referred to as the fish and chib shop.

“It certainly was a cut above the rest,” recalls Tony.

Circling the truth

VISITING a city centre hostelry, Don Thompson overheard a downcast chap tell his pal: “I need tae get ma sell oan a diet. I’m so oot o’ shape if I died oan the street outside, the chalk outline guy would just draw a circle.”

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Watery woes

NAUTICAL ruminations from reader Jenny Oliver, who asks: “If a boat with a galley goes down in a storm, does that make it a kitchen sink?”