That’s torn it

GLASGOW lawyer Matthew Berlow was working in Kilmarnock Sherrif Court this week when, rather embarrassingly, he ripped his trousers.

By chance, one of the court police officers used to be a seamstress. Even more miraculously, the folk manning the reception desk had a needle and the correct colour of thread, so the court cop managed to fix the torn trousers.

Says Matthew: “I guess you could say that I was stitched-up by a cop…”

Chippy chappie

LAST weekend’s Academy Awards were a scandalous affair, because Poor Things, the movie based on an Alasdair Gray novel, didn’t grab every single one of the wee gold guys.

Instead, some dull flick about nuclear weapons went down a bomb with the judges.

Never mind. There’s always next year for Scotland’s talented filmmakers to prove they’re cinematically sensational.

As we write these words Stevie Campbell from Hamilton is mulling over forging a career as a movie director. He already has his first high-concept idea.

“It’s about an expert bargain hunter wandering through a supermarket’s frozen food department, looking for something to go with his haddock,” says Stevie.

The movie will, of course, be titled… Good Buy, Mr Chips.

Say cheese

IT’S no secret that the Diary’s cultured readers are equal parts bibliophile and bon vivant. They’re now combining those passions by devising edible books.

John Mulholland suggests a new version of John Steinbeck’s depression era classic, which will be about rodents and yummy dairy products… Of Mice and Manchego Cheese.

Talking balls

WE’RE deciding which are the most inappropriate pets.

Reader Sue Hayward suggests it surely must be the tortoise.

“It’s true that they’re happy to play fetch in the park,” concedes Sue. “Though there’s always a danger that you’ll die of old age before Fido the frisky tortoise returns the ball to your hand. Perhaps one of your descendants will have to receive the ball on your behalf.”

Just the job

A FEW years ago high-school teacher Donna Lynn was discussing with her class what careers they wanted to pursue.

Most kids listed the usual suspects: Fireman. Nurse. Cop...

Though one smirking smart-aleck said: “I wanna be an internationally recognised raconteur. Y’know, like Peter Ustinov.”

Says Donna: “I should have given him a telling off for cheek, but I was too surprised that he’d heard of Peter Ustinov.”

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Bottling it

BOOZY correspondent Joe McVicar staggers to his phone and rings the Diary to impart this important fact: “If you drink enough whisky, both you and the whisky get drunk.”