Made to measure

A BOOZY, woozy tale.

Alistair, a friend of Ian Noble from Carstairs Village, once visited his local GP (back in ye olde days, when such a miraculous feat was still possible).

Discussing alcohol intake, the doc asked if Alistair was keeping within the 14-unit limit.

Alistair enquired what a unit was, and was informed that it was the equivalent of two pints.

A very proud Alistair assured the medic he was well within that.

Alas, it transpired that the spoilsport doc was referring to weekly intake, while permanently parched Alistair was calculating his daily drinkies.


Love… actually?

A CHUM of reader George Morgan recently celebrated his 50th birthday, though, in truth, it wasn’t much of a knees-up, for George’s pal was in a maudlin mood, and was moaning that he has never managed to settle down and get married.

Added the chum: “Now that I’m getting on a bit, I really have to find someone to fall in love with.”

After a moment’s contemplation, he added:  “Or if that’s impossible, I’d settle for a sweet girl who can wield a pair of clippers and trim the grey hairs sprouting out my nose.”


Fight night

HOLLYWOOD has always been a purveyor of cinema that is thoughtful, rich in nuance and impressively challenging.

For instance, there’s a movie about to be released where Godzilla battles King Kong, which is very similar to Hamlet, except that Shakespeare’s inferior effort doesn’t have any giant lizards rampaging round Elsinore, not to mention an embarrassing dearth of fist-fighting mega-apes.

Reader Mark Stewart is eager to see the new Hollywood flick, and says: “I’m relieved it’s Godzilla versus Kong, which promises to be an intriguing conflict. If it had been Godzilla versus Bambi, I’m guessing it would have been a much shorter film.”


Water weird comment

CONCERNED Anna Bolland from Cumbernauld complained to a pal about her tearaway teenage son, who is always getting in hot water.

Instead of commiserating, Anna’s pal gave the rather unexpected reply:  “Nothing wrong with hot water, as long as you’ve got a loofah and bubble bath.”


Pescatarian publication

OUR ravenous readers continue to devise edible books. Bert Peattie from Kirkcaldy suggests a fishy tale of suburban sleaze and scandal… Peyton Plaice. 

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Grab ‘n go

CRIMINALLY-INCLINED Stevie Campbell from Hamilton shamefacedly admits he was caught pilfering six Oxo cubes and a tub of Bisto gravy from a local shop.

“Fortunately I got let off,” says Stevie, “when I agreed it’s surely time for me to take stock.”