Bottling it

OUR readers are a healthy and dynamic bunch.

For instance, John Mulholland tells us: “Usually I walk from the living room to the kitchen to top up my wine glass, and then bring my wine back to the sofa. However, I recently changed my routine. Now I walk to the kitchen, then I walk back from the kitchen with the wine bottle to top up my wine glass, take the wine bottle back to the kitchen, and finally walk back to the sofa to enjoy my wine.

Result… I’ve doubled my daily step count.”

Adds our triumphant correspondent: “That’s what I call a wine-win situation.”


Virtually flawless

ROMANTICALLY-INCLINED reader Nancy Callaghan says: “I just want someone to love and accept me for who I pretend to be on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.”


Only joking

GLASGOW International Comedy Festival continues to turn the town into tittersville, and one of the performances we’re most looking forward to is a gig this Saturday at Van Winkle in the West End, where Fife funnyman, Richard Pulsford, will be firing out the witty one-liners.

Richard, who won the UK Pun Championship in 2022, memorably once said: "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.”


Glasgow green

THE St Patrick’s Day celebrations went swimmingly on Sunday. And when the Diary says "went swimmingly", we mean that thousands of happy revellers performed the breast-stroke through an ocean of Guinness.

Reader Phil Doyle, whose grandparents moved to Scotland from the Emerald Isle, patriotically spent the day in a Glasgow boozer.

When he and a gaggle of fellow garglers staggered homewards that evening, one of his pals pointed at a traffic sign, where the "walk" image was glowing.

“A green man!” roared this excitable fellow, who merrily added: “Even the traffic lights are Irish today.”


Weepy, not creepy

A DIRTY thought from reader Geoff McGarvie, who points out: “Tears are the only body fluid it’s acceptable to secrete in public.”


Moving to movies

OUR creative correspondents have been devising novels that can be munched as a snack, which frustrates reader John Maclean, who says: “I have been patiently waiting for the edible books campaign to evolve into edible movies. But I can contain myself no longer. It’s time to release Seven Bridies for Seven Brothers.”

With a sigh of immense relief, John adds: “Now I can get on with the rest of my life.”


Bearing up

PROUD reader Daniel Smallwood tells us: “I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.”