Morbid mailing

WE mentioned the delivery company FedEx, which inspires reader David Donaldson to put on his business hat.

“With so many elderly folk going on holiday abroad,” he notes, “the risk of popping one's clogs on foreign soil, and thus presenting the grieving relatives with a huge logistical problem, are greatly increased. What is needed is a company that specialises in the speedy repatriation of mortal remains. Namely, DedEx.”


Missing Marti

SCOTTISH poppers Wet Wet Wet have announced they’re touring again next year, though reader Colin Hughes puts a dampener on the news.

“Their charismatic singer Marti Pellow left the outfit yonks ago,” he points out. “And he was the main reason for their success.”

Adds our dismissive reader: “Under such diminished circumstances, they really should change their name to Slightly Moist.”


Triple bypass

OUR dynamic readers are sharing their fitness regimes, which for some mysterious reason rarely involve workouts at the gym, though do often incorporate lots of booze-binging and slouching in front of the telly.

Derek McCann from Aberdeen says: “I’m now at the stage where I pause the TV programme I’m watching and head to the kitchen for a top-up of wine. By the time I reach the kitchen, I’ve forgotten why I’m there.

“So I retrace my steps to see if that jogs my memory. Ah yes, more vino. So I head back to the kitchen, only to find I left my glass in the living room.

Back I go. After the third round trip, I’m in front of the box, only to find the TV has timed out and is auto-scrolling through Netflix shows it thinks I might like. Now I can’t recall which programme I was watching in the first place.

“To be honest, I can’t even remember why I started this message to the Diary…”


Half-baked book

OUR correspondents continue to prove that literature can feed both the soul and the stomach by providing us with an ever-extending library of edible books.

David Walker recently finished reading the story of an orphan girl who becomes notorious for her out-of-date bread rolls: Anne of Green Bagels.


Pale imitation

THE curious teenage daughter of reader Moira Hogg inquired: “Is there such a thing as greymail? Y’know, like blackmail, only you don’t threaten the person quite so much.”

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Tizz about fizz

FORGETFUL Veronica McGowen is feeling frustrated.

“I'm struggling to remember the brand name of those fizzy sweets I enjoyed as a kid,” she admits. “So I'm going on a Refresher course.”