Pointless Tories

UK politicians can usually be slotted into one of four distinct categories: the Incompetent; the Indolent; the Inveterate Liar; the In One Door, Out the Other.

Over the years the Conservative Party has excelled at producing fine specimens of all of the above, which possibly explains why it was recently fined £10,750 by the Electoral Commission for not accurately reporting non-cash donations.

Gerard McElroy from Cumbernauld is not entirely sympathetic regarding the Tory Party’s financial travails, and says: “Following the football example, it’s a pity they didn’t get a points deduction as well.”


(Mile) high fashion

ARRIVING back at Glasgow Airport from holiday, reader Ian Hayes and his wife found themselves walking behind a couple of pilots.

Ian’s wife rolled her eyes contemptuously, and whispered to hubby: “I always think they look ridiculous in those stodgy, old fashioned uniforms, with the blazers and peaked hats.”

“True,” conceded Ian, “but would you really want to get on a plane if the pilot was wearing joggy bottoms, flip-flops and a baseball cap?”


Munchable Mowgli

OUR creative correspondents continue to prove that literature can feed both the soul and the stomach by providing us with an ever-extending library of edible books.

David McClemont from Inverness says: “My read of the moment is The Jungle Cook, written, of course, by Mr Kipling (who apparently also makes very good cakes).”


Nifty nicknames

WHEN he was a youth, reader Andrew Milne had a school chum whose religious family had rewarded him with the biblical first name Noah.

This rather shy fellow never had anything to say during English class, and when asked a question he would invariably shrug his shoulders and keep schtum.

This led the teacher to once refer to him as, “Mr Pinion at the back of the class.”

Added the teacher with a dry chuckle: “Or to give you your full title… Noah Pinion.”


Food for thought

THE teenage daughter of reader Anne Vincent didn’t finish her dinner the other night.

“You’re not going to leave all that on your plate?” said Anne. “It’s a shame for it to go to waste.”

“True,” admitted her daughter, who then pointed at her midriff, and added: “Though it would be even worse if I let it go to waist.”

Get the legendary Herald Diary straight to your inbox.

Sky’s the limit

MORE nibble news. Adam Conway tells us that Greggs the Bakers are promoting a new delivery service using drones.

Our less than impressed reader adds: “It all sounds a wee bit pie in the sky to me.”