Shake it off

FREEMASONS are joining the 21st century. The Grand Lodge of Scotland, founded in 1736, is altering its constitution, and lowering the membership age to 18.

Reader Philip Parry applauds this daring decision to modernise such a venerable institution by allowing trendy teens to fraternise with the grey-haired gang.

“I hear rumours,” he says, “that they’ll be replacing the secret handshake with the secret high-five. And there will be no need to roll up a trouser leg for the initiation ceremony, as new members will arrive wearing cargo shorts.”


Sibling stramash

THE SNP’s controversial Hate Crime Act is introduced on April the first, a date that its critics believe is painfully appropriate.

Is it a sensible and compassionate law to fight bigotry? Or a foolhardy attempt to curtail free speech?

Those are the vitally important questions the Diary will not even attempt to answer.

Instead we bring you news of reader Alison Barclay, who admits she just might have been discussing the new act in front of her 10-year-old daughter, Jenna.

How else to explain Jenna’s reaction when her younger brother stuck his tongue out at her during breakfast.

“Hate crime! Hate crime!” squealed the incensed girl, adding in a most sinister fashion: “Right, that’s it. I’m calling the cops…”


Getting shirty

SHOPPING with his wife in Glasgow city centre at the weekend, Joe Morrison spotted a young lady wearing a T-shirt that had emblazoned across its front the message: "Work hard and be nice."

Joe’s wife was not impressed.

“Surely there’s more to life than that,” she snorted.


Pub prattle

VISITING his local boozer, reader Steve Bastable overheard a depressed chap tell his pal: “The only liquid assets I have is six cans of Guinness in the fridge.”


On reflection…

SOLICITOR Phil Shepherd suggested to his teenage son that he should also study to become a lawyer.

“It’s not for me,” shrugged the youth.

“Why?” inquired dad.

 “I’m used to seeing my reflection in the mirror,” said the cheeky youth, “and I don’t want  that to change.”


Prime time pedagogue

We continue celebrating literature with a culinary theme.

Reader Jim Scott recalls the story of the charismatic Edinburgh teacher with a giddy passion for meat… The Prime Steak of Miss Jean Brodie.

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EAGLE-EYED reader Linda Bennet takes a break from peeking through her living-room curtains to inform us that she spotted a burglar kicking in his own front door.

“Guess everyone’s working from home these days,” she concludes.