Browned off

IN the 1980s gravel-voiced Glaswegian Mark Knopfler fronted a rock band who went by the name of Dire Straits, and for a time they were as successful as other huge acts of the era, such as Michael Jackson and Madonna.

(Though unlike his contemporaries Knopfler wasn’t especially adept at moonwalking or wearing a spikey cone bra.)

The fame of Dire Straits may even have improved the vocabulary of some curious school children, points out reader Jean Ford.

When she was teaching English in Glasgow’s south side, back in the 1980s, one young chap enquired what the phrase Dire Straits actually meant.

“It means you’re in deep trouble,” explained Jean.

This answer inspired the class wit to yell from the back of the room: “I know something it’s much worse to be deep in… Dire Rea.”


Mind your language

WE recently published a photo of a sign advertising a foreign languages school, with the slogan: ‘Learn German if you der.’

David Donaldson says that Alliance Française could follow suit with a sign that reads: "Learn French if youse Cannes".

Food for thought

A NEW Vietnamese restaurant called Pho has opened in Glasgow, and reader Matt Hawkes visited with a chum.

As they were about to enter, Matt’s pal glanced at the sign, then said: “Pho, eh? But what about Phee, Phi, and not forgetting Phum.”


The name game

NEEDING a haircut, reader Cameron McQueen visited his local barber, a chap named Malik who moved to Glasgow from the Middle East.

“Was it hard settling in Scotland?” inquired Cameron.

“No,” chuckled the barber. “I just swapped round two letters in my name, now the locals assume I’m a native.”

The barber further explained that he now goes by the nickname… Malki.


Shut it

A PHILOSOPHICAL thought from reader Jim Dewet: “The purpose of a lock is to turn a door into a wall.”


The Style Council

AT the weekend 66-year-old Doug Hewison was getting ready for a night on the tiles with his wife, and just about managed to squeeze into a pair of skinny jeans that haven’t left his wardrobe since ABBA split up.

“What on earth are you wearing?” asked Doug’s wife.

“I’m making a fashion statement,” he defensively replied.

“And what statement would that be?” snorted his wife. “Help. My chubby legs are being held prisoner inside a pair of too-tight trouser legs.’”

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