Madcap missive

REMINISCING about his youth, Campbell Fullarton from Kilmarnock recalls the spoof letter that appeared in The Goldberry, Kilmarnock Academy’s School Magazine, back in 1973, which some mysterious personage submitted under the nom de plume The Country Bumpkin.

We repeat it in all its splendiferous glory below…

Dear Son,

I am writing to you slowly as I know you can’t read fast.

The weather here is bad, but not as bad as when it was worse. As you know, I have been troubled lately with my hearing and on Thursday I went to see the doctor. He gave me some tablets which I took on Friday and on Saturday I heard from your sister in Australia.

Aunt Mary has had all her teeth out and a new kitchen sink fitted.

From your loving Mother.

PS: I would have sent the few pounds you asked for but I had the letter sealed when I thought of it.


Gone girl

WE mentioned a T-Shirt with a memorable message emblazoned across its front, which reminds Peter Wright from West Kilbride of the time he was in San Diego and spotted a Hells Angel on a motorcycle.

The back of his T-shirt had the rather concerning message "If you can read this - the girlfriend fell off"’

Says Peter: “Who says romance is dead?”


Heated exchange

A FEW years ago Rob Lynch was in a trendy Glasgow bar when he overheard a glam gal dismiss a potential suitor with the imperious words: “Hoi you! Gonnie stoap starin’ at us like I’m a microwave oven an’ yer waitin’ fur me tae go ding.”


Disappearing denims  

DISTURBING news from abroad, where we learn that gardening geezer Alan Titchmarsh is a popular figure in North Korea, where his television shows are aired.

And that’s not even the disturbing bit.

The local TV censors have blurred out Alan’s muddy denims during broadcasts, perhaps believing a peek at such fervently capitalist trousers would disturb the fragile social order in the communist state.

Meanwhile, reader Geoff Bell asks: “Is this what is known as jean replacement therapy?”


Egg-citing developments…

SCIENTIFICALLY-INCLINED Ian Noble from Carstairs Village tells us about his ongoing research: “I’ve just placed two orders from a well-known website. One is for an egg and the other is for a chicken. I’ll let you know…”


Society sadly stalled

“I’VE decided to start a Procrastination Club,” reveals reader Martin Smallwood. “I’ll be launching it in 2027.”