Tattoo you

SUPPORTING your local kickyball team can be a painful experience, as any fan will admit.

On social media the Off the Ball radio show noted that an hour was lost at the weekend, when clocks were wound forward.

“So,” they added, “from any time in your life, if you could erase any hour, which would it be, and why?”

One distraught lady replied: “I’d probably go back and erase the hour I got Ange Postecoglou tattooed on my torso, for him to leave Celtic the week later.”



Dissing dame

WE’RE celebrating the delightful conversations that take place in the bars and nightclubs of Scotland, where romance tends to bloom like a thistle thrusting through a heap of fresh manure.

Reader Freddy Gillies fondly recalls his pal’s sophisticated attempt to impress a young lady at a dance.

“You’re wan in a million,” purred this suave fellow.

The fragrant debutante sweetly replied: “So’s yer chances.”


The blame game

THE criminal courts will be kept busy with the new Hate Crime Act, so perhaps it’s time to show leniency towards other indiscretions, argues reader Kevin Mitchell.

“We should be more forgiving towards plagiarists,” he says. “After all, we’re blaming them for something they didn’t do.”


Fright night

THE pleasures of parenthood.

Reader Christine Woodman tells us that every evening her timid six-year-old son checks under the bed to reassure himself that there isn’t a lurking monster.

When he repeated this ritual the other night, Christine smiled sweetly, then whispered to the concerned wee fellow: “So what’s the plan if you spot one?”

Curiously enough, this failed to cure his anxiety.


Chew on this

OUR entrepreneurial readers are choosing patriotic Scottish sweeties that we can sell at a corner shop near you.

Roy Martin suggests haggis, neeps and tatties bubble-gum.

“Robert the Bruce chewed the stuff before every major battle,” claims Roy. “It didn’t taste very nice, but it was great for blowing bubbles, which proved surprisingly effective as protection against English arrows.”


A dramatic change

THE sober-minded Diary refused to cobble together an April Fool’s joke yesterday, though we enjoyed a few that we spotted from more frivolous organisations.

We particularly appreciated the announcement from Glasgow’s West End theatricals, who revealed that A Play, A Pie and A Pint is relaunching under the exotic title… A Play, A Pineapple and A Pina Colada. 

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Stretchy syntax

“What's the longest word in the English language?” asks reader Duncan Sutherland. “Smiles. The first and last letters are a mile apart.”