Black humour

FIRST Billy Connolly arrived on the scene. Later came Kevin Bridges.

Now another bold raconteur from Scotia is launching her entertainment career at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe… Mhairi Black.

The still-youthful SNP politician is vamoosing from Westminster and won’t defend her Paisley seat at the General Election, preferring to star in a biographical one-woman show.

It’s a pity she’s no longer in the politics game, because the Diary only recently figured out how to pronounce her name. (First name, of course. We’re almost certain we got the second bit right.)

Mhairi’s new career was announced by The Herald, and on social media our readers have confessed how thrilled they are.

One wrote: “All the charisma and intellect of an overflowing wheely bin.”

Another enthused: “I’d rather watch my hamster take a dump. If I had a hamster, of course.”

The Diary cocks a snook at the grumpy naysayers, for we are looking forward to Mhairi’s mirthful musings.

(Then again, we also love Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog – so what do we know?)   


Sister act

WE’RE celebrating the romantic conversations that take place in Scotland’s suave watering holes.

Reader Jim Scott recalls noticing two ladies - perhaps not quite in their prime - at the bar one night.

Jim’s gallant pal sashayed over and innocently said: “I suppose Cinderella’s in the hoose tonight?” 


Lengthy explanation

WE’RE debating what is the longest word in the English language.

And, no, it’s not supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, or the name of some village in the Welsh valleys.

Lesley Anderson says: “I was always told that the longest word in a dictionary "elastic"’. 

“Why? Because it stretches as far as you want it to.”


Dubious definition

LOITERING at a bus stop and watching the dispiriting drizzling rain, Clive Lawrie from East Kilbride turned to the chap standing next to him and said: “So this is spring, eh?”

The chap merely shrugged, glared at the rain, then muttered: “A spring is what a mattress is packed wi’. No idea what this is.”


Hide, no seek

THE other day reader Lorna McGregor was berating her husband for his lack of obvious aptitudes.

With a pained, yet noble look on his face, he replied: “I have many hidden talents.”

Lorna inquired what these might be.

“No idea,” came the reply. “Like I said, they’re hidden.”

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Funny money matters

FISCALLY-MINDED Harry Archer gets in touch to say: “I've started a spreadsheet. It's to keep track of the money I spend each year on margarine.”