Nae nibbles

THE dirty little secret of Scottish football is that very few fans arrive on a Saturday afternoon because they enjoy watching a ball being kicked around a pitch.

They don’t even turn up to watch footballers kicking other footballers around a pitch. (Though admittedly this has a certain amount of entertainment value, especially when blood splashes on grass, and burly chaps start screeching and wailing like Greta Thunberg discovering she’s living next door to a two-car family.)

No, Scottish fans care not a jot about the sporting spectacle.

They are bon vivants… gourmands… lovers of sophisticated and elegant cuisine.

In other words, they’re in it for the pies.

And the best pies around are those served at McDiarmid Park, home of St Johnstone.

Unfortunately Diary correspondent Bob Serafini reports that last Saturday the catering team were forced to explain to ravenous supporters that they had run out of the award-winning lumps of meat and pastry, even before the half-time rush.

Says Bob: “The visiting fans found the absence of pies a bit hard to swallow…”


Inherit the wind

THE son of Peter Wright from West Kilbride is at that awkward age between zero and 30, and often refers to himself as Peter’s “son and heir."

Says Peter: “I refer to him as ‘He who shall be very disappointed’."


It all sucks

OBSERVANT reader Dave Harvey points out: “Drinking water through a straw is the opposite of snorkelling”


Hairy situation

AUTHOR Deedee Cuddihy has heard of wigs being whisked from heads on blustery days, but it seems that there are other false parts of the anatomy that are in danger, too.

She was strolling along Park Road in Glasgow’s West End when a powerful gust of wind roared past, causing one member of a cheery group of young women (who had just left a nearby pub) to exclaim: "That nearly blew my eyelashes off!"


Phone-y reason

VISITING her mother, reader Kate Campbell inquired why she maintained a landline.

Mum sensibly answered: “So I can ring my mobile, when I lose it around the house.”


Fizzy flop

WHEN reader Naomi Mackinnon arrived home from the shops her 10-year-old son was less than impressed with one of her purchases.

“I don’t like this sort of lemonade,” he grumped. “The burps it gives you are rubbish.”


Punch-Drunk love

MOVIE fan Rob Martin says: “Actor Sylvester Stallone has been married a few times. I guess his first one was rocky, and his second was rocky, too.”