X-tremely annoying

THE Diary has always been suspicious of social media and remains a devout adherent of more traditional methods of long-distance communication.

In our office we have goose quills, bottles of India ink and parchment paper to write missives upon, which are then hand-delivered by a liveried messenger in powdered wig.

Diary correspondent David Donaldson is equally frustrated by social media.

“I don't normally waste time thinking about Elon Musk,” he admits, “but when he re-branded Twitter as X, did it ever occur to him that all these text-based fights would no longer be Twitter spats but X spats?”

Adds a disgusted David: “Makes them sound like elderly retired relatives having a row in Torremolinos.”

 

Back to black

THE other day reader Craig Howard met up with an old amigo who has a wicked way with words.

At one point Craig’s chum mentioned a mutual acquaintance with a reputation for being rather dim.

Or as Craig’s pal explained: “He’s the sort of guy who spends two hours trying to figure out what to do with the black squares on a crossword before he even gets to the white ones.”

 

Ear we go

STROLLING in Muirend, reader Brian Flynn spotted a trendily-dressed young mother pushing her baby in a pram.

“She was wearing leather trousers, shades and earphones,” recalls Brian: “I’m not sure if the earphones were plugged into her ears so she could listen to Taylor Swift, or to make sure she didn’t have to listen to the baby crying. Either way… respect.”

 

Dairy drama

“SOMETIMES I hear the voice of cheesecake calling to me at night from the kitchen,” says reader Anna James. “The vegetables, however, are very shy. They’ve never got anything to say.”

 

Winging it

A DIARY tale about factory shenanigans reminds former Labour MP Sir Brian Donohoe of a chap working at Scottish Aviation.

“He was stopped at security taking a caravan out the site,” says Sir Brian, “and was asked when he’d brought it. He replied: ‘I didn’t. I built it in here out of parts meant for the aircraft.’”

 

Potty idea

ENTREPRENEURIAL Meghan Markle has launched a lifestyle brand named American Riviera Orchard.

Reader Rose Miller notes that Meghan has randomly squished together the name of a country, a coastline and something found in a garden.

Adds Rose: “I’m launching my own brand… ‘Scotland Troon Beach Crazy Paving’.”

 

Pet name

GEOGRAPHICALLY-MINDED Peter Walters asks: “Is the Isle of Dogs the Isle of Man’s best friend?”