Revolting youth, continued

ONE of the unanswerable conundrums of existence is undoubtedly: “What is the point of kids?”

Oh sure, in the Victorian era their malleable little bodies were wonderfully useful for ramming up chimneys to ensure the flues remained sparkly clean.

But now most people have central heating, yet still those miniature humans linger on, making intolerable claims on the time, finances and patience of the unfortunate adult population.

A recent Diary discussion about the peskiness of children reminds reader Eric MacDonald of a conversation with a friend.

“I really can’t stand children. I don’t like them,” grumbled the friend.

“But you were a child once yourself!” countered the more compassionate Eric.

“Listen,” continued the friend, “when I was a child, I didn’t like myself.”

Harsh. But fair.

Clean getaway

A TALE of finances most foul.

Reader Bill Smillie says: “Returning from a recent holiday, my partner inadvertently left a five euro note in the pocket of a pair of trousers that she popped into the washing machine.”

Adds Bill: “Fortunately the note was unblemished in what was evidently a case of money laundering.”

Extra, extra

CURIOUS reader Dan Burgess gets in touch to say: “I’ve always wondered if twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned.”

Wobbly Windsor

A STARTLING new official portrait of King Charles has been unveiled where the monarch is surrounded and covered by swirling blotches of red and pink paint.

Diary reader Tim Parkin says: “It’s the most remarkable daub I’ve ever seen. King Charles looks like he’s being slowly eaten by a raspberry jelly.”

Grammer drama

SCOTTISH novelist Liam McIlvanney is growing as a person.

As a sign of his blossoming maturity, the popular crime scribe has decided to make a huge change in his life.

“Belatedly,” he announces, “after decades of spurning it, I can now see the utility, logic, and elegance of the Oxford comma and have started using it. Who even am I any more?”

Perhaps the author is having a midlife crises, for he adds: “It was either the Oxford comma or a Porsche…”

Wheely expensive

THE Diary is discussing the cost of living crises, which is proving especially difficult when heading to the supermarket.

Economically minded reader Craig Watson informs us: “Recent Studies have shown that the most expensive vehicle to operate is a shopping trolley.”

Ancient angst

DEPRESSED reader Neil Williams says his girlfriend left him because he’s old fashioned.

He adds: “I’ll wager a shilling she’s now courting an unseemly varlet.”