Remote learning

LIFE. It’s not always a bowl of cherries.

To be painfully frank, life is mostly a bowl of pips, which happens to be all that’s left of the cherries you were so eager to munch.

And when you cry out in tearful despair, “Oi! Who ate all my cherries?” the Fates heartlessly reply, “Ah, sharrap. Y’ gorra pile o’ pips, dontcha?”

But enough of classical allusion.

Back to the modern world we hurtle, to encounter Diary correspondent Roger Bell, who was in the boozer with a chum the other day, and the chum looked most forlorn.

Roger, being a stalwart companion, asked the pained pal what ailed him so.

It transpired that the poor fellow was in the clutches of ennui. He explained that his existence was a dull trudge, or as he memorably described the situation: “If my life was a Netflix show, I’d be cancelling my subscription right now, and flicking the remote control, to see if there’s anything better on Amazon Plus.”

After a bitter pause, the chagrined chum added: “That’s the problem with life. It doesn’t come with a remote control.”

Theory of knowledge

PHILOSOPHICAL observations abound in the deeply introspective city of Glasgow, notes reader Ian Peterson, who was walking his dog when he overheard a woman talking on her mobile phone, apparently to an acquaintance named Sharon.

Like a modern-day Ludwig Wittgenstein, she appeared to be calculating the parameters of human understanding when she uttered the following profound dictum to her pal: “See, the hing is, Sharon, you don’t know what you don’t know.”

Woe for Whirlies

ON social media a video has been uploaded of two Stranraer FC supporters commentating during their team’s glorious victory over East Kilbride.

One fan delivers a rousing diatribe which echoes a certain Norwegian footy broadcaster’s spiel from a few decades back.

Revelling in East Kilbride’s despair, he triumphantly roars: “Can I say, John Hannah, Muriel Gray, Ally McCoist, Lorraine Kelly, Whirlies Roundabout, Kirsty Young… your boys took a hell of a beating.”

Witch way’s best?

A MAGIC tale. The daughter of reader Helen Turner asked why witches always fly on broomsticks.

“They don’t,” corrected Helen. “Modern witches whizz around on Dysons.”

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Failsafe situation

A CYNICAL colleague of Andy Pardell revealed that he prefers failure to success.

Andy wondered why.

Explained the colleague: “When you’re experiencing failure, you’re not waiting for failure to arrive.”

Boozy badinage

A SPOOKY utterance from reader Nick Elliott, who says: “In pubs, belches are often messages from departing spirits.”