Et in arcadia ego

THE boffin community are a clever bunch of people, though sometimes they go too far in their endeavours, such as that unfortunate occasion when Baron Von Frankenstein built an entire chap out of prime cuts from the local butcher shop.

Things would have turned out so much better if Baron Von F. had been a committed vegetarian who had constructed his monstrous creation out of stale lettuce leaves, rhubarb and kumquats.

Boffins clearly haven’t learned their salutary lesson, for it has been reported that a member of their smarty-pants tribe is currently investigating how to turn cow burps into diamonds.

It’s an unlikely evolutionary leap, far more impressive than the monkey-to-man modification described by Charles Darwin.

Reader Holly Clark is intrigued, and says: “I hope scientists decide to advance their research to include other windy mammals.

“Then, at long last, my hubby’s unsavoury habit will be put to good use, and I can open a shop in the Argyll Arcade.”

Savvy about summer

ONE of the many delightful boons connected with editing the Diary is that we get numerous emails from PR executives who impart golden nuggets of wisdom that will most certainly come in handy.

Only yesterday we received one such missive, explaining : “Summer is right around the corner, it is the time of the year when the sun will shine down on your home the most.”

Which is extraordinarily useful to know.

Now if only another shrewd PR exec would tell us which season it’s most likely to snow, and when the leaves drop off the trees…”

Hellish hols

SUMMER is also, of course, when our readers like to get away from it all. ‘It all’ being a euphemism for Scotland.

Reader Adam Ross tells us that one of his chums vacationed early this year, and recently returned from Costa Rica.

Sounds fab, right?

Not according to this fellow, who harrumphed: “Costa Rica? Should be named Costa Fortune.”

Body bits babble

A CONFUSING cockamamie comment from reader Colin Thorburn, who says: “If your left arm was amputated, your right arm would be left.”

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Sketchy appearance

FRIENDS can be cruel.

Reader Russell McDade met up with a pal he hasn’t seen in years.

The pal stared at him, aghast, before saying: “Jeezo, you’re looking like the courtroom sketch-artist version of yourself.”

Boozy badinage

DISAPPOINTED Alan Ramsay gets in touch to say: “I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favourite ingredient in beer is…”