Boozy badinage

A DIARY tale about an unfortunate chap being pummelled by pricey prices reminds reader Jim Scott of the time he visited Hamilton races with his pal, Jim McCann, who attempted to buy four pints of lager.

The barmaid explained that the establishment didn’t serve pints, only bottles. So Jim requested eight bottles of lager.

“That’ll be forty pounds,” said the barmaid.

“Wait a minute,” replied a jolted Jim, “my names Jim McCann not Aga Khan.”

Sarti to clarty

DURING the balmy weather last week (remember it?) a Diary colleague, accompanied by his girlfriend, dined al fresco outside the delightful Sarti on Wellington Street.

It was a lovely evening: fine food, fine wine, excellent company.

He was quietly congratulating himself on his good fortune when he suddenly felt something distinctly unpleasant splatter onto his bare head.

Fearing the worst, he glanced upwards in time to see a pigeon squatting industriously over the edge of its high vantage-point.

It’s safe to assume our man won’t be dining al fresco again for a while...

Disarming remark

WE recently published a comment from a reader who pointed out: “If your left arm was amputated, your right arm would be left.”

Which inspires Peter Wright from West Kilbride to further note: “Personally, I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”

Talking bull

THE inquisitive seven-year-old son of reader Gordon Craig heard about the rather cruel ‘sport’ of bullfighting from one of his little chums.

He was puzzled that such an activity existed, and later said to Gordon: “How can a man fight an animal?” “It’s a complicated set-up,” explained Gordon. “Before you even get to the fight, it takes ages to drag the boxing gloves over the bull’s horns.”

Getting shirty

MUSIC-LOVING Mike Sprott is proud to be an ageing hippy and was delighted when his wife bought him a T-shirt of his favourite band for his 80th birthday.

He was slightly less delighted when he noticed that, using a marker pen, she had changed the words across the T-shirt’s front to read: Crosby, Stills, Nash & No Longer Young.

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Mouthing off

RETIRED clinical teacher Jim Pairman was once observing a dental student who was taking a patient’s medical history.

One of the student’s questions was: “You’re not pregnant or anything like that, are you?”

Says Jim: “I later suggested to the student that there was not ‘anything like that’. It was either, or.”

Pome power

TECH-minded Zoe Mattocks admits: “I’ve always wondered why iPhone chargers aren’t called apple juice.”