Concrete jungle

IF you go down to the West End today you’re sure of a big surprise, notes local author Deedee Cuddihy, who has been puzzling over a number of massive concrete containers which mysteriously appeared overnight this week.

Deedee calculates that the bizarre cylindrical objects - or hingmies as the technically minded west enders have labelled them – must weigh a few hundred pounds each.

The frisbee-like shapes can be seen looming ominously just off Byres Road.

Deedee, being an imaginative type, speculates that they might be giant ashtrays, ice baths or hot tubs.

“Or maybe,” she adds, with the merest hint of a tremor in her voice, “alien spacecraft?”

The bold Diary has promised to investigate, just as soon as we can steady our nerves to do so…

Lies, damned lies…

SOGGY Sunak’s General Election announcement delights our readers, who are eager to see a hopeless bunch of politicians replaced by a useless bunch of politicians.

Terry McGeary from East Kilbride says: “Some are calling me credulous, though I can't think why. I'm truly looking forward to accurate and complete information, as well as firm promises from the forthcoming rash of Porky Political Broadcasts.”

Case-ing the joint

POLITICS, continued.

Immediately after announcing the General Election on TV, the PM squelched away from the lectern while someone else entered No 10, trailing a suitcase.

The wife of Bert Peattie from Kirkcaldy said: "Well, it hasn't taken them long to turn it into an Airbnb.”

The name game

WATCHING the Chelsea Flower Show on the telly, Dr David Gemmell from Lanark was intrigued when presenter Monty Don introduced the Royal Horticultural Society Council President, who answers to the name… Keith Weed. “Lots of hope then,” says Dr Gemmell, “for the rest of us struggling amateur gardeners.”

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Fun footy facts

THE Diary, as ever, is first with a sporting exclusive.

Our intrepid team of investigative reporters have discovered that there is to be a kickyballathon (or football match, as such things are occasionally described) tomorrow afternoon at Hampden Park.

Diary correspondent John Mulholland has all the juice… “The Scottish Cup Final will be contested by the Old Firm,” he reveals, before adding, “no doubt the much maligned Video Assistant Referee (VAR) will again cause controversy, resulting in anger and frustration for the supporters. But one set of fans will be hoping for a great VAR day… Victory Against Rangers.”

Computing conundrum

A TECH question from reader Esther Shaw: “If Apple made a car, would it still have windows?”