Float your boat

RISHI Sunak is surely one of the more unfortunate British Prime Ministers.

Announcing the General Election outside Number 10 this week, he strived to appear Churchillian, until a spiteful downpour (possibly sponsored by the Labour Party) rained on his parade, and he ended up looking like Noah, moments before entering the ark.

Noah’s story had a happy ending, of course, when he spied dry land and saved the human race. Though perhaps he should have allowed a couple of unicorns onto his outsize dingy. (Or maybe not. Their svelte figures and fancy-schmancy horns would have driven the arc’s frumpy rhino couple into a murderous rage.) Meanwhile, Rishi probably believes he is going to saddle-up his very own pet unicorn, and ride it all the way to electoral triumph.

We advise him to purchase the sort of umbrella that should have been on standby earlier in the week, which he can adapt into a makeshift tent in the eventuality that he becomes homeless in July.

Fortunately, the Diary doesn’t require an umbrella, for we’ll always have a home, squished inside the snuggly warm pages of the Herald, where you’ll find our popular tales, including the following classic yarns from the archives…

Stolen moments

WE’RE reminiscing about the shipyards.

A reader was a shop steward in one of the yards when the company decided to step up security because of thefts.

Our reader recalled: “One Monday several guys, built like professional wrestlers, appeared in the yard, stomping around with their chests thrust out, looking very menacing.

“Well, that was until they went for their tea-break at 10 o’clock… someone had stolen the electric kettle from their office.”

Failsafe method

A COLLEAGUE told us: “I converted my car to an off-road vehicle.” He then added: “That’s what happens when you fail your MOT.”

Money matters

A GROUP of Newton Mearns matrons were bemoaning their grandchildren’s tardiness in thanking them for gifts.

However, one of them proudly declared: “I sent my grandson a cheque for his birthday and he came round the very next day to thank me.”

As her friends looked on approvingly, she added: “Mind you, I had forgotten to sign it.”

Giving it stick

BEFORE the invention of TV remote controls, indolent folk had to be inventive.

A reader told us: “When I was at school my pal’s dad had a snooker cue with another bit of wood taped to it, which he used to push the buttons on his wood-grain effect Ferguson TV. He could also use it to adjust the set-top aerial, poke the dog when it started snoring in front of the fire, and skelp us if we were making too much noise.”

Darkness visible

A PARSIMONIOUS reader revealed: “I built a dark room so I could reuse all my blown lightbulbs.”