Promises, promises…

RISHI Sunak’s latest General Election pledge is to eject all the surly teens from the fetid swampland that is their bedrooms; rip their mobile phones from their hands; drag them down to the high street khaki emporium; then turn them into a highly-disciplined fighting force, straight out of a John Mills movie, circa 1955.

Stiff upper lips, trim moustaches and understated, though primly patriotic dialogue will also be provided, free of charge.

The cynical Diary suggested yesterday that Sunak only promised the return of National Service because he realises there’s little chance of him bagging an election triumph, meaning he won’t have to implement such a dubious proposal.

Reader John Evans believes that the PM’s unlikely victory means he can gleefully guarantee British voters all manner of exotic baubles.

“By the end of this week,” speculates John, “Rishi will have boasted that he’s going to reintroduce Zeppelins as a popular means of international travel, with the bulging, cigar-shaped dirigibles regularly drifting out of Glasgow Airport.

“Furthermore, they’ll be fuelled with laughing gas, to make the journeys more amusing for passengers.”


Cutting comment

COLLEGE lecturer Grant Dalton was chatting to a colleague about a mutual acquaintance and happened to use the archaic expression “I like the cut of his jib.”

Grant’s colleague thought about this for a moment, then replied: “I’ve always been suspicious of that phrase.

“After all, I use a knife to cut things. Never a jib.”


Working on shirking

LANGUOROUS Lisa Dunn gets in touch to point out: “There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”


Chocs away

CONVIVIAL Diary correspondent Sue Cooper invited a friend to her house for coffee, plus yummy snacks, including Kit Kat biscuits.

Sue’s friend took one suspicious glance at the plate of choccy biccies, then said: “Ooh, wish I could, but I’m on a diet. So I’m afraid it’s not Kit Kat. It’s Kit Kan’t.”


Fake break?

CONFUSED reader David Donaldson says: “Now that banks are scarcer than hen's teeth, why do we still have bank holidays?”

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Gimme shelter

A DIARY photograph of a bus shelter reminds Martin Jones of the occasion he was standing under one in Glasgow city centre, when a boozy gent staggered by and glanced at the sign.

“Bus shelter?!” he slurred, clearly unconvinced, adding: “There’s nae way that wee hing could shelter a bus.” 


Pun and games

AMBITIOUS Donald Talbot is writing a book. “It’s about fish puns,” he says. “If you know any good ones, let minnow.”