Weather woes

SCOTLAND has been exceedingly soggy of late, as damp as a widow’s handkerchief.

This state of affairs has not gone unnoticed by our readers.

Anne Whyman from Cumbernauld is concerned that the entire country could be washed away in the dreich deluge.

Thankfully, she has a plan for such an eventuality.

“I’m demanding that the Scottish Government build an ark, just like the one captained by Noah,” she says.

After a moment’s contemplation, Anne adds: “I expect the Government will be as efficient at building an ark as they have proved to be cobbling together ferries. So maybe we should all buy aqua-lungs and flippers as a back-up plan.”  


Eat your words

A DIARY yarn about the slippery English lingo reminds Murray Macadam of a sketch by the late, great comic actor Rikki Fulton, in the guise of the Gallowgate Gourmet.

Recalls Murray: “While he was cooking an especially complex dish he came to a point where he said, ‘Now we will add the peppers. First, the green peppers. Now, the red peppers. And finally, while we’re at it, may as well add the Sunday Peppers.’

“Whereupon he stuck a folded newspaper on the half-made dish. Genius.”

Get the legendary Herald Diary straight to your inbox.

Puddle patter

RAIN, continued.

Reader Angus Clark was strolling in Muirend during a downpour and noticed a bloke taking a photo on his phone of a particularly huge puddle.

Angus inquired why he was capturing it for posterity.

“I want to show my wife when I get home,” explained the bloke. “Otherwise she’d never believe me when I told her about the size of this thing.”

Angus, trying to be helpful, said: “Why don’t you scoop the puddle up, put it in your pocket, then show her the genuine article.”

For some unknown reason the bloke was not persuaded by this perfectly sensible suggestion.


Taking the biscuit

WE mentioned a popular choccy biccy, which reminds reader John Robertson of an occasion when he was making coffee and shouted to his wife in the other room: “Do you want a KitKat Chunky?”

Says a chastened John: “I can’t remember much after that…”


Boxing clever

CONTROVERSIAL Netflix drama Baby Reindeer has proven popular with viewers.

“Last night my wife and I binge-watched the entire series, back to back,” says reader Jason Harvey. “Luckily I was the one facing the TV.”



FRUSTRATED Diary correspondent Mike Powell gets in touch to tell us: “My email password got hacked yet again. That's the fourth time I've had to rename the cat.”