Trump slump

THESE are dire days for The Donald.

The former American President is no longer a Top Trump after he was bombarded with 34 guilty verdicts in a New York court.

Would he have felt slightly less depressed if it had only been 33 and a third guilty verdicts, like an old-fashioned vinyl LP?

Probably not.

For there will surely be stormy days ahead, though very different from the Stormy nights he’s experienced in the past.

It will certainly be a tad tricky if the next Leader of the Free World isn’t free himself.

Instead of working out of the Oval Office, Donald will have to be given an oval prison cell.

And his spokesperson will be a burly bloke named Bubba, with tattoos of clenched fists inked on his eyelids, who Trump first met in the communal showers.

The world of American politics is certainly a stage for unforgettable drama, much like the Herald Diary, which is also packed with twisted twists and traumatic turns.

Though admittedly we’ve got slightly fewer MAGA hats to go around.

Even so, it would be criminally foolish to avoid reading the following classic tales from our archives…


Holiday hijinks

A MOTHERWELL reader was on a break in Tenerife and got chatting with a Glaswegian staying in a nearby hotel.

Spotting that the Glasgow chap was wearing an "all-inclusive" wristband for the hotel, our reader inquired why he was not paying for his drink in the bar.

“I’m not really all-inclusive,” revealed the Glaswegian. “I just bought this band for 50 cents and wrote a room number on it with a felt tip pen. It saves me 35 euros a day.”


In the drink

AN Ayrshire reader told us about a Caribbean cruise where an American passenger buttonholed the captain to tell him she was quite alarmed to see some water coming down the stairs.

The skipper cheerfully told her it was nothing to worry about.

But if she ever saw water going up the stairs she should contact him immediately.


Woolly wittering

MIDGES are always worth moaning about.

A reader told us he was in a shop in Whiting Bay when a local contractor, working in a glen where the little blighters were particularly vicious, was trying to describe conditions.

With a straight face he told fellow shoppers: “I saw one with a sheep in its mouth.”


Phone-y trauma

A READER told us he was listing to his teenage daughter all the ways his life was tougher than hers, when he was young.

He quickly realised that perhaps it hadn’t been that awful, for he ended up saying: “In my day you had to answer the phone without knowing who it was that was calling.”


The name game

“WHAT do you call a Frenchman in sandals?” a reader asked. The answer was: “Philippe Philoppe.”