Soft touch

THIS summer’s kickyball extravaganza, otherwise known as Euro 2024, is thrilling fans.

The ball-blootering hasn’t even started yet, though the sartorial elegance of the combatants is already being hotly debated.

Paul Bernal, Professor of IT Law at East Anglia University, is impressed that the Belgian players’ kit was inspired by that nation’s famous comic book hero, Tintin.

Now Paul wants to see “England as Paddington and Scotland as Dennis the Menace”.

The Diary doesn’t entirely agree with the professor’s tailoring advice.

It’s obvious that Dennis, who stars in Dundee-based comic The Beano, is of Scottish heritage.

But Paddington is Peruvian, even though he enjoyed an extended vacation in England.

So we suggest that English players should instead dress like Dennis the Menace’s arch-nemesis, Walter the Softy, who was surely originally from south of the border.

For Walter is the spitting image of Somerset resident and Tory grandee Jacob Rees-Mogg.


Seeing red

SCOTLAND’S premier alcohol-free music festival, Recovery Connects, will be held at Glasgow’s Queen’s Park Arena on Sunday, June 30.

Reader Gary Hayward thinks it’s a fantastic concept, though he wonders what songs will be belted out on the day.

“Red, Red, Wine was a huge hit for UB40,” notes Gary, “but it would be entirely inappropriate. So, instead, the lyrics could be changed to Red, Red Vimto.”


Disney make sense

CREATING a crafty code can be a complex matter.

Peter Wright from West Kilbride says: “My password had to be a minimum of eight characters, so I went for ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarves’."


Pipe down

ON Scottish social media a proud patriot has been praising the local talent for music.

“The sound of the pipes can speak to your soul,” he swoons, “in a way that no other instrument ever could.”

Another chap, perhaps not so patriotic, answers: “I can’t stand them. Would rather the guys down the Barras shouting ‘Sports socks’.”



DISAPPOINTED reader Ed Jones strived hard all his life to escape his working-class roots and live a middle-class lifestyle.

“What was the point?” he sighs. “The only thing that’s different is I eat Crunchy Nut Cornflakes instead of Frosties.”

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Price is right

WE’RE discussing the cost of living crisis.

Reader Jim Scott says: “One of my ex-colleagues used to say the way to predict booze price 10 years from now was to use a hotel mini-bar.” 


Condemned to condiment

RELIEVED reader Alan Buchanan says: “I used to be addicted to salt, but now I’m cured.”