Pointed remark

MODERN romance. Ain’t it a stinker?

Reader Sue Mitchell was once in a bar with a gal pal when a chap swaggered over and started boasting about his sporting prowess.

Sue’s friend said to the smug fellow: “The only sport I’d like to see you do is javelin catching. And it’d be more fun if you were blindfolded.”



A dog’s life

PE teacher Tom Davidson once took a class of first-year pupils to the local baths so they could practise dive-bombing, splashing around and sneakily peeing in the pool.

(Sorry, that should have read "so they could practise their swimming", which is certainly what they were meant to be doing.)

Tom was describing the doggy paddle to the class when one boy thrust an indignant hand in the air.

“Sir,” said this outraged young fellow, “we shouldnae gie dugs all the credit for something that humans can dae just as well. It’ll just make ‘em big-heeded.”


Mag-nificent idea

MEDIA musings from reader Kirsty Scott, who says: “I’ve always wondered why there is no magazine for chiropractors called ‘Back Issues’.”


Bucket list

WE’RE discussing the sartorial elegance of the Scottish kickyball team, who will be turning Euro 24 into their very own fashion catwalk.

One suggestion was that the players should take inspiration from Scottish comic-book scamp Dennis the Menace, and wear stripey black and red jumpers.

Reader Kenny Thomson dismisses such a foolish idea, and instead demands they dress far more patriotically, like Oor Wullie.

“Dungarees would be very fetching,” he says. “Also, the players could carry tin buckets on to the field of play, to sit on when they’re out of puff. With Scotland that’s usually after five minutes.”


Strikingly beautiful

FROM kickyball to wack-a-ball.

David Graham from Carnwath tells us that his golfing partner hit a beautiful shot from the tee, straight down the fairway.

David noted that he had hit a ‘Quasimodo’.

"What's a Quasimodo?" inquired his chum.

"You won't be wanting that back," said David.

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Up in smoke

THE Diary mentioned that Glasgow is showcasing an alcohol-free music festival, which might limit the variety of songs that can be played.

Reader Bruce Norris says: “The Oasis classic Cigarettes and Alcohol should definitely be avoided. Unless they change the title to ‘Cigarettes and Even More Cigarettes’. Though that’s not sending out the right message, ether.”


Fat chance

“My clothes are divided into three categories,” explains Julie Barker from East Kilbride. “Summer, winter, and in case I lose the weight.”