Hard to swallow

KEEN gardener and amateur chef Nancy Dalton made her own tomato sauce, which she cooked with spaghetti.

Immediately afterwards she felt queasy. Luckily the queasy sensation rapidly vanished. Unluckily it was replaced by an excruciating stomach ache.

When her husband returned home she piteously whimpered from her sick bed: “I must have got food poisoning from that basil I grew in the garden, and used in the spaghetti sauce.”

Her less than sympathetic husband merely shrugged, before replying: “Of course you did. You are a weed.”


Animal antics

WE mentioned that mankind’s favourite and most spoiled animal, the dog, is unfairly given credit for the doggy paddle, which it didn’t invent and, quite frankly, doesn’t even execute with any genuine aplomb.

Reader Deborah Hall is outraged at this glaring favouritism, and says: “The only thing cats get credit for is the cat nap.

“I don’t know why all the moggies aren’t up in arms about the situation. Probably because they’re too busy enjoying a cat nap to give a stuff.”


Brought to book

NOW that he’s retired, literary-loving Diary correspondent Dan Skinner has ambitions to write his first novel.

“I’ve just typed ‘By Dan Skinner' at the top of my computer screen,” he tells us. “Does this constitute enough work for the day?”


Sickening remark

THE Diary is discussing that delicious bottled cordial, Vimto, which is adored by one and all.

At least that was what we innocently assumed until James Caldwell from Scotstoun got in touch to say: “Is it a coincidence that Vimto is an anagram of vomit?”


Dressed to thrill

WE’RE celebrating the sartorial elegance of the Scottish kickyball team, who will soon be turning Euro 24 into a dazzling catwalk.

Our readers have strong views about the fashion statement the players should make on the pitch.

Martin Ford argues for greater emphasis on elegant headwear.

“Obviously the team should sport spiffy top hats, as that will improve their ability to reach headers,” he says. “Though I’d advise them to avoid a bowler - they’re only needed in cricket.”

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Adventure time

“ON Saturday I got excited when I spotted a new brand of washing-up liquid at the supermarket,” says reader Donna Jarvis. “Nobody warned me that adulthood would be such a non-stop thrill ride.”


Weighty matters

GET ready to scratch those chins, folks. We’ve got a puzzler for you.

“What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?” asks reader Chris Robertson. “Hippo is a heavy animal. But Zippo is a little lighter.”