Fighting talk

WE’RE discussing the aptitudes of members of the animal kingdom, and arrived at the conclusion that dogs get too much credit for the doggy-paddle, which they neither invented nor execute with grace. (The constantly wagging tail is off-putting, and is a complete flop as a propeller.)   

Reader Fred Harvey points out that another four-legged critter also gets kudos for a non-existent achievement.

“People refer to a ‘rabbit-punch’ even though rabbits aren’t violent,” he says. “Though it’s true that if you nab a bunny’s favourite carrot from under his nose, he immediately turns into Oleksandr Usyk.”


Musical madcap  


Reader Graham Barr says: “Surely I can’t be the only person who, when purchasing a return-ticket to Glasgow Central Station, has to suppress the urge to sing to the ticket inspector in the crooning tone of Elvis Presley… ‘Return to Central’.”


Bird-brained question

ANOTHER tale from the chalk face.

Physics teacher Sue Bridges is constantly bombarded with deep and meaningful questions from her young scholars.

On one occasion an Einstein-in-waiting thrust his hand in the air, then said: “Miss! Is duck tape used for taping ducks together?”

Says Sue: “He was possibly joking. Though recalling the student in question, the emphasis is firmly on the ‘possibly’.”


Taking the P

WE mentioned the unmentionable things people do at the swimming baths.

Reader Ian Barnett says: “I recall having a sneaky pee at the deep end of the pool when I was a wee  boy. The attendant blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.”

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Flighty footy stars

THE Diary is celebrating the sartorial elegance of the Scottish kickyball team who will strut their stuff at Euro 24.

Our question is what should they wear for their glam entrance on the pitch?

Reader Rod Williams says: “It doesn’t matter what the kit looks like, as long as there is a pocket in the players’ shorts for plane tickets.

“Then they’ll be ideally prepared for the obligatory fast exit from the competition.”


In the drink

THE Diary reported that Glasgow is showcasing an alcohol-free music festival, which will inevitably limit the selection of songs played.

Reader Frank Michaels says: “I doubt there will be a rendition of Tequila Sunrise by The Eagles. Maybe someone will sing Tepid Tap Water Sunrise instead.”


Hairy situation

THERE has been an increase in crime near where reader Tom Larner lives.

“Our local wig shop was broken into the other night,” he says. “Obviously the owner had to replace all the locks.”