MUSIC fans are in a tizz.

Taylor Swift is in Edinburgh, enjoying a sold-out run of concerts.

The pop icon should feel right at home, as she’s performing at Murrayfield, where rugby is usually played, and Taylor is currently dating a chap who plays Fake Rugby, which is the proper name for American Football.

Swift is, of course, most famous for writing vengeful songs about ex-boyfriends.

Even her pet gerbil would probably get the Torturous Taylor Treatment if the little fella dared to get frisky, escape his cage, and attempt to find true love with a romantically inclined gerbil mate.

Taylor would compose something like the following, perhaps…

I thought you loved to be my pet

I even took you to the vet

To get your toenails clipped

But now you’ve gone and done a runner

You really are a no-good scunner

Shoulda been something else I snipped…

The Diary is less inclined to seek retribution.

Even when a former reader chooses to stop perusing our rich and rewarding tales, and instead settles for more superficial literature, such as The Brothers Karamazov, we do not become enraged.

Okay, perhaps we may construct a voodoo doll in the errant reader’s likeness.

And a hideous fate awaits that voodoo doll, as we aim its tiny wooden head in the direction of a copy of the Daily Record, and force it to read the articles.

Luckily few Diary subscribers leave our warm embrace. Probably because we provide them with Taylor-made treats, such as the following classic yarns from our archives…


Flight of fancy

A CHAP working in a Motherwell supermarket was stacking shelves with washing powder.

That night in the pub he told some girls he was chatting to that he was a member of an Ariel display team.

Chit-chat charmer

THE course of true love rarely runs smoothly.

A reader on a bus heard a young man say to the young lady with him, who was concentrating on her mobile: “You’re always on your phone.”

Without looking up, she replied: “You’re always on ma nerves.”



GLASGOW’S George Square once reopened after being cordoned off for a facelift.

Crossing the square, a reader heard a local opine: “I can see the real losers in the rumpus over the square being closed off – the pigeons are looking gey scrawny…”


Boozy banter

A READER swore to us that he heard a middle-aged chap chatting up a woman in a West End bar by telling her: “I used to be in a band called Been There Done That.”

“You probably wore one of our t-shirts,” he added.


A fishy theory

A READER explained: “The swordfish has few predators in the wild. Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.”