Solitary confinement

RESEARCHERS have discovered that the Orkney Islands are the healthiest place to live in the UK.

But what lessons can be learned for the rest of the UK from this valuable nugget of information?

Reader Craig Wilson says: “The obvious conclusion is that people are like cigarettes and fatty foods. They are bad for your health.

“So live in a place where there are hardly any. (People, that is. I’m sure there are loads of cigarettes and fatty foods on the Orkney Islands.)”


The brush off

ANIMAL rights activists vandalised the first official portrait of King Charles by replacing the dignified head of the monarch with the equally noble fizzog of Wallace, star of the popular series of Wallace and Gromit cartoons.

The painting of Charles caused quite a stir when it was unveiled, for it pictures him surrounded by a rash of red paint, making it appear as though the unfortunate chap is being gobbled-up by a particularly ravenous strawberry jelly.

Not everyone was impressed with the portrait, and we suspect that reader Dave Murdoch may be one of the naysayers.

“No one should condone the disgraceful act of vandalism inflicted on the painting,” he rightly points out. “However, surely this isn’t the first time it was attacked. That was when the original defenceless blank canvas was mugged by an artist brandishing a loaded paintbrush.”


Big spender

WITH a swagger and a smirk, reader Laura Currie tells us: “I don't usually boast about my expensive summer trips. But just this once I’d like to say… I’ve just returned from Sainsbury’s.”


Stoppage time

THE Diary is ruining famous bands and singers by adding just one letter to their name.

Reader Robert Menzies says: “As a former passenger of the Edinburgh-Glasgow express, my favourite song was a cover version of Love Train by The Four Stops. (Waverley-Haymarket-Falkirk High-Queen Street).”

Get the legendary Herald Diary straight to your inbox.

Shoe-rely some mistake

KNOWLEDGE-LOVING Ian Noble from Carstairs Village is on a quest to shed light on the mysteries of the universe, and enquires: “Why is it that people who mend shoes also cut keys?”

Alas, the Diary cannot provide a satisfactory answer, though we’re glad the two skills are never confused by customers.

For it would be most unfortunate if some naïve individual attempted to unlock their front door by ramming a Doc Marten boot (size 10) in the keyhole.


Weird science

A BIOLOGY lesson from reader Jennifer Lennox, who says: “Smaller babies are delivered by stork. But the heavier ones require a crane.”