Trash talk

SCOTLAND is in the grip of election fever. Or maybe it’s just a mild flu.

Hugh Dougherty has been watching all the political posturing, preening and pontificating on the telly, and wonders if he's the only person to conclude that the funny wee lecterns that the party leaders used during the BBC Leaders’ Debate Night special looked suspiciously like wheelie bins, tipped back for pushing. 

Mulling over all the "fresh" ideas being proposed by the politicos, Hugh adds: “If they were recycling wheelie bins, how appropriate would that be?”


Hard to swallow

MANY years ago there was a Lenzie bakery which sold a range of pies that were regarded by local bon vivants as the greatest of delicacies.  

Neil Cameron from Arisaig recalls his granny once expecting visitors, and hastening to the bakery early one morning to purchase some of the fabled treats, only to be informed: “Thae pies is no’ in yet.”

She returned a while later, at a suggested time, only to be given the tragic news: “Thae pies is a’ went.”

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Woefully wet words

THE other day reader Linda Winton was telling a friend about an entertaining novel she had recently finished.

“I’ve not read a book in years,” admitted her friend.

“That’s a shame,” said Linda. “Why not?”

“Well,” explained the friend, “I used to do all my book-reading in the bath. But now I only take a shower. So it was either keep reading, and get my book all wet, or take an umbrella into the shower. And that would just be daft.”


What a grind

TUNED in to LBC on his radio the other morning, reader Harry Shaw nearly spat out his wallies when he heard the latest commercial from Dawood & Tanner Specialist Dental Practice.

At the end of the advertising spiel a voice declared: “Our aim is to make your teeth grate again.”

Says Harry: “At least I think that’s how they were spelling it. Perhaps not the best choice of words.”


Chickening out

THE Diary is ruining famous bands and singers by adding just one letter to their name.

Phil Pinder from Edinburgh says: “I'd love to see KFC and the Sunshine Band. They're on my bucket list.”


Talking balls

A CAREER with plenty of careering involved in it.

Peter Wright from West Kilbride assures us that he recently applied for a job as a human cannonball, adding: “I gave it my best shot. But it all backfired when they realised I didn't have the right calibre.”