The bum deal

THERE was a time when the only culinary treats available to the discerning palate were chips and chocolate.

Nowadays there is a much greater variety of munchies to enjoy, notes reader David Donaldson, who sends us an advert for a rare delicacy called Puffin Poo Pieces.

The supplier of PPP (as we will delicately refer to them from now on) boasts that they are “perfect for snacking, baking or sprinkling on ice cream”.

Before our readers get seriously browned-off at the thought of ingesting all that squishy goodness, we feel duty bound to point out that it isn’t genuine PPP, merely a concoction of chocolate, coconut, rice and mallow.

The Diary could be wrong about this, but we don’t actually believe that a fully operational puffin’s bahookie produces any of the above.   

Meanwhile, David Donaldson remains outraged about the name of the snack.

“Whatever next?” he sputters, “Tern Turds? Kittiwake Keech?”


Bum deal, too

THIS month author Deedee Cuddihy visited the Glasgow School of Art Degree Show, where she noticed a large sign which read: "CONTENT WARNING – Some work in this room contains nudity."

Being a writer and denizen of Glasgow’s west end, Deedee is, unsurprisingly, a committed bohemian, which inspires her to say: “A warning about nudity? I mean, it was an art school show. Surely visitors would be expecting, and even hoping, for a bit of nudity?”

(Just like Deedee, the Diary is more than happy to celebrate the human form in all its fleshy glory. As long as that flesh is smothered in at least three layers of duffel coat…)

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Kids stuff

CONFUSED reader Alan Smith asks: “Where do baby storks come from?”


Ray of hope

DIARY readers remain traumatised by the Scottish footy team’s failure to notice that there was a ball on the pitch on Friday, and that it really didn’t mind being kicked.

Our German adversaries, meanwhile, ran amok, in a mocking sort of way, and ended up winning 5-1.

On a more positive note, comedian and Scotland fan Ray Bradshaw reminds us that Germany once beat Brazil 7-1.

Which leads Ray to the obvious conclusion.

“Breaking news,” he roars, “Scotland are better than Brazil.”


Rocketing rockers

WE’RE ruining famous bands and singers by adding just one letter to their name.

Robert Menzies says: “Always enjoyed listening to Rocket Man by Gerry and the Spacemakers.”


Fighting talk

FOOTBALL, continued.

“The English have their hooligans,” points out reader Tom Fenn, “Russia has its Ultras and Germany has um louts.”