Fast food

AN investigation was recently launched into what appears to be an EU-wide horse passport fraud and smuggling operation after hidden cameras captured Irish race horses being killed for human consumption.

A pretty grizzly state of affairs, though reader David Donaldson manages to extract some black humour from the situation, and says: “Maybe they'll have to rename September's races at Leapardstown The Irish Championship Steaks.”


Mystery solved

THE thoroughly bamboozled Diary recently asked why it is that businesses that mend shoes also cut keys.

“The answer is very simple,” says Andrew Robertson from Giffnock. “It’s because both enterprises like to move in lockstep.”


Palm patrol

A DIARY photo with a confusing message reminds Hugh Cairns, based in Veitshöchheim, Germany, of his teaching days in the country where he now lives.

“I had to warn my students that if ever they were in Britain and saw a road sign saying ‘Heavy plant crossing’, it did not mean that giant yucca palms would be jumping in front of their cars.”


Stinky Stewart

WE’RE ruining famous bands and singers by adding just one letter to their name.

Reader Bill Holman imagines one of Scotland’s greatest warblers getting rather down in the dumps when he is forced to perform as Rod Stewart and The Faeces.

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Games people play

THE Diary believes that life is like a particularly cruel board game, where there is an extra number of snakes and very few ladders.

Even worse, the dice provided has no dots on it, so you have to figure out for yourself how many moves you are allowed to make at any given moment.

Brian Bateman from Howwood claims that giving yourself a meaningful catchphrase is a useful way to maintain positivity.

Adds Brian: “Mine is, ‘If you ain’t got pain you can’t complain.’ I say this to myself every day. It helps.”


Name’s a no-no

OUR readers continue to recall the trauma they experienced watching Scotland play Germany.

Well, we say "Scotland play Germany". But it was the Germans who did all the football kicking, while the Scots contributed by politely ensuring that they didn’t get in the way.

Reader Paul Todd says: “I must admit that I was shocked that Germany scored five. Especially when their team manager happens to have the surname Nae-Goals-Man. Surely he should be prosecuted under the Trade Descriptions Act.”


Fantasy fiction

A RUDE tale.

“When my wife kept asking why I was hiding in the wardrobe,” says Bob Jamieson, “I told her it was ‘Narnia business’.”