Winning ways

A WHILE ago reader Linda Smallwood worked in a care home in Glasgow’s south side and often found herself chatting to an elderly chap who regularly played poker with his fellow residents.

He once proudly showed Linda the deck of cards he used when playing, and said: “These are my winning cards. They never fail.”

“Really?” said Linda, a tad sceptically.

“Yes,” continued the old chap. “Sometimes they win for me. Sometimes they win for someone else.”


Charmless chit-chat

THE holiday season is upon us, which reminds reader Bruce Johnson of the time he and his wife booked a weekend break in a small guest house in Brighton.

The woman who owned and managed the place was not the most polite of proprietors.

When Bruce arrived at reception after a long drive she smiled sweetly and said: “I’ll explain the rules of the house to you after you’ve settled in and relaxed a bit. I’ll let you unpack the bags from under your eyes before we chat.”

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Planetary puzzle

THE Diary is contemplating the many mysteries of the universe.

Ian Grimmer from Friockheim says: “I am puzzled as to why scientists, who say they are looking for signs of intelligent life, have all their telescopes pointing away from earth.”


Mind your language

RETIRED English teacher Fiona Gorman recalls one especially bright scholar whom she had the privilege of guiding and educating.

Fiona once set the class a vocabulary test, which included the fairly difficult question: “Use the word ‘perpendicular’ in a sentence.”

The bright scholar came up with the perfect response, and wrote on his answer sheet: “Perpendicular is a word that I am currently getting tested on.”


Caring comment

IT is often said that people are becoming colder and much less friendly, though the ever-optimistic Diary rejects this out of hand.

Reader Adam Clark agrees with us, and says: “My Uber driver really cares about my wellbeing. Just the other day he sent a message, saying: ‘I'm here for you.’”


Volume control

WE’RE ruining famous bands and singers by adding just one letter to their name.

Reader John Lange from East Kilbride imagines if the famous 1960s rock trio of Eric Clapton, Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker had been ordered to sing a little bit louder, they would have been forced to change their name to Scream.


Finders keepers

A TALE of great villainy.

“I was a bookkeeper for over  15 years,” says reader Matt West. “The local library wasn't happy about it.”