Winning or woeful?

THE football is still footballing over in Germany, and the Scottish team’s fortunes are starting to turn.

After an embarrassing defeat to the host nation we have risen from the ashes like a mighty phoenix.

Okay, perhaps not a phoenix, which is a pretty impressive mythical bird.

We’re more of a singed wee budgie, hopping about in the hot ashes, yelping: “Aiya, aiya, aiya! They ashes is pure nippin’ ma talons. Anyone got a foot spa?”

In other words, we’re undeniably improving at this football malarky, though we’re still pretty rubbish, and haven’t yet won an actual game.

We couldn’t even spank the Swiss, a nation famous for their talent for dodging a fight at all costs.

But who needs victory?

Scotia can take comfort from the latest performance of those big heads from across the border, En-ger-land, who are proving to be as drab as the white T-shirts they wear. (Try getting a grass stain out of one of those.)

So our sporting elite limp heroically onward, dreaming of triumph, though in reality their luggage is packed, and they’re all out of those nifty haggis-flavoured energy bars that are essential for a 90-minute kickabout.

It’s unfortunate that we don’t produce many winners on the sports field. But when it comes to story-telling talent, Scotland always comes up trumps, as you’ll discover by reading the following classic tales from our archives...


Watt nonsense

IT must be admitted that the Scots are a historically knowledgeable people.

Two chaps were once having a drink in the James Watt bar in Greenock when one asked if the place was named after the boxer.

“Don’t be daft,” scoffed his pal, “it was named after the college.”


Boating for beginners

JUST as astute was the bloke who wondered if the paddle steamer Waverley was so named because people waved from it.


Warm is winner

A READER once admitted to us: “I like all the seasons of the year… but summer better than others.”


At a stretch

THE night sky in Scotland is a truly captivating sight.

A Diary correspondent was once walking back from the pub with the full moon shining hazily through the clouds.

One of the chaps our reader was with gazed up wistfully , and said: “I wish I could paint that.”

Another of the lads replied: “You’ll need a long brush.”


Antisocial media

DO young folk spend far too much time using technology, wondered a reader.

He heard a girl in the Botanic Gardens say to her pal: “Did you see how funny that puppy was? It was like watching a real-life YouTube video.”


Dead funny

“WHAT is the worst insult that you can fire at a ghost?” a reader once got in touch to ask us. The answer, of course, turned out to be… “Get a life.”