Dead ends

AN enthusiastic researcher arrived in Greenock, seeking information about a large Kincaid & Company engine being restored on an old ship, recalls Peter Wright from West Kilbride.

Knowing the famous marine engine manufacturer had closed many moons previously, he hit upon the idea of seeking out former employees.

And where better to start than a pub close to the old works?

“There were no leads,” says Peter, “and the locals found the knowledgeable enthusiast tiresome. Until one friendly tippler, bent over his hauf an’ hauf, informed the researcher that he’d find many of the lads who produced those beautiful pieces of machinery at 1 South Street. “The intrepid researcher, energised and enthused by this information, sped off in haste to the given address. Which turned out to be Greenock Cemetery.”

Milking it

IN more innocent times the most popular justification for something going wrong was the line trotted out by lazy school pupils… the dog ate my homework.

Nowadays, the chattering classes have their own version of this childish excuse to explain anything bad that has ever happened. Colonialism.

Reader David Donaldson notes that the History of Science Museum in Oxford have announced they’ve received funding for a study into how colonialism affects our consumption of dairy milk. David has some thoughts about this worthy academic exercise.

“I can’t decide,” he says, “whether this is an abstruse project of interest only to the crème de la crème. Or the last straw in Woke research.”

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Bird’s-eye view

OUR feathered friends are pretty darned smart, it seems.

Ian Noble from Carstairs Village says: “I read last week that birds that overwintered in Africa have migrated north much earlier than usual because of milder weather in the arctic regions.” Adds a bamboozled Ian: “How do they know that? They don’t have newspapers or television. I can only assume they have access to the internet.”

Hard-hitting tunes

THE Diary is ruining famous bands and singers by adding just one letter to their name. Bob Jamieson suggests the aggressive Tamla singer… Stevie Wounder.

School ain’t cool

A FRIEND of retired Labour MP Sir Brian Donohoe has a four-year-old daughter who complained she couldn’t read.

The mum explained that when she started school she’d quickly learn. After her first day in primary the little girl returned home and announced she wasn’t going back. The reason?

She STILL couldn’t read.

Writing wrongs

FRUSTRATED typist Len Wood gets in touch to growl: “The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.”