Footering about

THE Scottish dream of scaling Mount Football, then planting a Saltire at its vertiginous summit, came to an end at the weekend.

To be painfully honest, our team never even built a tent at basecamp, and fans are still reeling from a set of Euro 2024 performances that were every bit as disappointing as Scottish summer weather.

Comedy star Limmy, however, remains proudly pugnacious, and shrugs: “I never believed in us for a second. That's the Scottish way.”

With a tad more venom, he adds: “Words can't describe how much I hate Scotland. I might move to Edinburgh.”

Taylor-made experience

BELIEVE it or not, there are more painful experiences than watching Scotland attempt to kick a ball around a pitch.

Reader Iain Gillies went to see his nephew mangle guitar in a newly formed heavy metal group performing at a local pub.

The lead singer was a burly bloke with grizzled beard, long, matted hair, facial tattoos and so many metal piercings on his nose, eyebrows, lips and cheeks that if he’d strayed anywhere close to a magnet his head would have exploded.

An audience member standing near Iain pointed at this grungy grunt of a frontman, then muttered to a pal: “Jeezo. Taylor Swift’s let herself go.”

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Bird-brained badinage

A CORRESPONDENT recently posited the intriguing conjecture that birds are always accurate about weather prospects, and act accordingly, because they regularly log on to the internet to get up to date info.

Reader Roy Graham says: “Perhaps that was once true. Though I’m reliably informed that the avian community later boycotted social media because they were outraged when Twitter became X.”

Water disaster

A TRAGIC tale. Reader Sylvia Boyle says: “Statisticians who have studied the subject, claim that thirty percent of owners let their pets sleep in bed with them. I tried it, and my goldfish died.”

Musical musings

THE Diary is ruining famous bands and singers by adding just one letter to their name.

David Morrow suggests the legendary Canadian rockers noted for their clean sound… Brush.

Footy flops, continued

EARLIER in the column we revealed that comedian Limmy has a cynical opinion of our nation’s floundering kickyball clots.

His fellow funnyman, Rab Florence, is more upbeat, and advises: “It’s time for Scotland to focus on sports we’re better at, such as every sport that isn’t football.”

Message from above

A RELIGIOUS observation from reader Donna Bourne, who notes: “The patron saint of copying people in on an email is Saint Francis of a CC.”