Tree-mendous flag

COMEDIAN Craig Ferguson is a curious phenomenon. A Scottish entertainer more popular in America than his homeland.

He once hosted a successful late-night chat show in the US, and is currently touring that mighty nation with his latest stand-up extravaganza.

Craig will appear in numerous States, though one of his fans has grumpily pointed out to him that he forgot to book a date in Guam.

For those unfamiliar with the minutiae of American affairs, Guam is a teensy-weensy island, somewhere in the pacific, and nowhere near the Yanky Doodle mainland.

Though it is an unincorporated territory of the USA, which means it’s kinda America. That’s why the Diary agrees that Craig should perform there.

To persuade him, we’re listing reasons why Guam is Groovy. For starters, the flag of Guam is the best flag in the world.

The colourful design includes a dinky yacht bobbing in a blue ocean, next to a golden beach sprouting a coconut tree.

Surely there would be fewer territorial disputes if every nation saluted the Guam flag.

Instead of wars, there’d be competitive yachting and snoozing under coconut trees.

Guam! It’s the only hope for the future of the human race… and a darned fine location for a Scottish comedian to gie it some schtick.

Dog day afternoon

SEETHING animosity, West End style.

Reader Hilary Briggs was strolling in Kelvingrove Park one afternoon, and overheard a conversation between two dog walkers who clearly didn’t know each other.

The chit-chat commenced with friendly salutations, though quickly degenerated when one woman enquired if the other lady’s pet was a labradoodle.

“Labradoodle?” gasped the aggrieved pet owner. “I hardly think so. It’s a French bulldog.”

Culinary conundrum

A BIOLOGICAL query from reader Marvin Robinson: “If you leave a Marks & Spencer Colin the Caterpillar cake in the fridge for too long, does it turn into one of those butterfly cupcakes?”

Reflective glory

THE Diary is ruining famous bands and singers by adding just one letter to their name.

Kenny MacGregor recalls those preening rockers who adored gazing in mirrors… Vain Halen


Top secret Euro 2024 is now a Scotland-free zone, and the team’s erstwhile fans remain as angry as the owner of a mislabelled French bulldog.

Comedian Ray Bradshaw grumps: “Mad to think this was our biggest game in years and we forgot to tell the players.”

Dead funny?

GHOULISH Diary correspondent Derek Cole says: “After my funeral I want one of my friends to take my phone and text everyone, ‘Thanks for coming’.”