Brought to book

LIBRARIAN Margaret Jones was disappointed with an elderly woman who returned a novel she borrowed.

Not because the book was brought back late. The old lady was very prompt.

However, the book’s dustjacket was a shocking pink in colour, even though it had originally left the library looking much less vivacious.

In her sternest librarian voice, Margaret demanded to know if the book-borrower had taken to wanton vandalism at a late stage in life.

“Och, no,” replied the old lady. “The book was in ma bag wi’ ma bingo pen. Y’ cannae take that pen anywhere.”

Memorable moment

VISITING the Inchinnan Community Association, Jim Morrison observed a senior member informing his pals that he’d just returned from the Royal Alexandra Hospital in Paisley by bus, where he was examined by the memory clinic and scored 93% in the test.

The boastful chap suddenly became bashful when he added: "I've just remembered that I drove up there."

One of his pals had to drive him back to pick up his car.

More musical musings

THE Diary is ruining famous bands and singers by adding just one letter to their name.

David Donaldson gets in touch to celebrate the bloke who made rap music acceptable to older people… Nice-T.

Little and large

FOR the last few months Edinburgh reader Phil Cuthbert has been on the long and arduous quest to buy a new home.

Having trekked to every corner of Scotland’s capital, he has so far only been met with bitter disappointment, an emotion made more acute after initially studying the videos of the houses that are sent out by estate agents, in which the properties always appear majestic.

Which has led Phil to the following conclusion… “House-hunting is like meeting a Hollywood star,” he says. “They’re always smaller than you think they’ll be.”

Hard to swallow

THE Scotland footy team are currently devising creative new ways of getting humbled at the next major tournament they enter, having exhausted their vast array of pathetic capitulations at Euro 2024.

Reader Don Taylor notes that McDonald’s are celebrating the genuine sporting achievements in Germany by promoting a triple-layer hamburger named the Hat Trick.

Says Don: “To acknowledge Scotland’s impressive accomplishments in the tournament, McDonald’s should sell a bun with no meat in it, and call it the Burger All.”

Relatively speaking

“MY wife just sent me to go and pick up Fish and Chips,” says reader Gordon Dunlop, who adds: “I think she regrets letting me name the twins.”