Float your boat

TODAY our readers will be voting to instigate radical change in the UK.

In other words, Britain will no longer be a shambolic wreck run by a bunch of nincompoop Tories.

Instead, it will be, most likely, a shambolic wreck run by a bunch of nincompoop Labour MPs.

Though perhaps the pollsters have miscalculated, and the Green Party will win the General Election, meaning we can all live in treehouses or yurts, while taking a canoe to work.

Not a bad idea, that last one, because your average canoe runs on very little fuel. On the other hand, it’s exhausting trying to row one along the M8 every morning.

Meanwhile, reader Jennifer Morgan says: “I always think election day is all about crosses. In the voting booth I make a cross on paper. Then I cross my fingers, hoping my decision will have a positive impact on the way the country’s run.

“Ultimately I get exceedingly cross when the UK remains the same terrible place it’s always been.”

Future imperfect

DUE to Euro 2024, the Diary is taking an uncharacteristic interest in football, and we’re now almost certain it’s the sport where someone kicks a ball into a net, rather than the sport where a tall fellow dunks a ball in a hoop.

Reader Paul Williams was watching some youngsters have a kickabout in Rouken Glen Park when another chap walking his dog smiled admiringly, then said: “Inspiring, isn’t it? In just a few years time those little kids will be embarrassing us at a national competition.”

Food for thought

SUNDAY School teacher Amanda Fenn was once left red-faced when a youngster in her charge inquired what carnal knowledge meant.

“I was quick-thinking that day,” says Amanda. “I told him it’s when a butcher really knows his mince.”

Cludgie crooner

THE Diary is ruining famous bands and singers by adding just one letter to their name.

Robert Menzies says: “Every time I put disinfectant in my toilet I'm reminded of that Scottish singing icon of the 1960s… Blulu.”

Walk this way

SOME years ago reader George Greene worked as an English teacher in California, and he once explained to a class that in his home country of Scotland people drive on the left side of the road.

One curious pupil enquired: “Do you have to walk on the left side of paths, too?”

Hard-hitting telly

APPALLED reader Samantha Fonda says: “I recently watched a documentary on the Battle of Brunanburh. Too much Saxon violence on TV these days.”